Goof balls: Probing the Madison Mallards' bizarre promotions schedule

A large part of baseball’s appeal is its meat-grinder of a season. For the Madison Mallards, 69 regular season games over 74 days not only tests the will of the players, but also provides a workout for even the most callused fans’ asses. That’s why distractions like game promotions have always been a key to the team’s success—if nothing else, they give fans something to look forward to if the team happens to be 10 games out of first place with a month to go. The Mallards have been particularly adept at cooking up some of the coolest and goofiest promotions around, so Decider talked with Mallards’ GM Vern Stenman to see what the team had planned for the 2009 season (which opens at home on June 1), and to learn about the hidden science behind pairing Boba Fett with bats and balls.

Know your cults.
Last season, the Mallards brought in man-child star Gary Coleman to suit up for the team, and the results were underwhelming. “We got some national publicity, but it was our worst-attended Friday night of the year,” Stenman says. But when Daniel Logan—the voice of Boba Fett in Star Wars: Episode II: Attack Of The Clones—appeared, masses of folks came dressed up, channeling their inner bounty hunter. “People knew who Coleman was, but didn’t care. People really care who Boba Fett is.” Stenman isn’t making the same mistake again, and has loaded up the 2009 promotional schedule with the cultiest cult figures he could find. There’s Matthew Wood, the voice of General Grievous from Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge Of The Sith (June 5); Family Guy Night (June 16), which will include copious amounts of clips shown on the scoreboard throughout the game; a trained actor in Wolverine regalia—sorry, no prancing Hugh Jackman (June 19); Steve Carlson, the actor who played Steve Hanson in Slap Shot (July 10); The Simpsons 20th Anniversary Night (July 30), where anyone named Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, or Maggie will get in free (apparently not everything comes up Milhouse); and then, to really tie all the fanboys in the room together, an appearance by Jeff Dowd, the original inspiration for The Dude in The Big Lebowski (July 24).

Don’t be afraid to ruffle a few, um, feathers.
When trying to attract a diverse crowd, a general rule of thumb is to stay away from religion and politics. Stenman disagrees. To celebrate Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday earlier this year, the Mallards are putting a new twist on the hackneyed bobblehead promotion with “Evolution Of Maynard Bobblehead Night” (June 11). The three-piece bobblehead includes the Mallards’ mascot, Maynard, as a rubber ducky, a slumped over figure in a caveman outfit, and then a final turn as the proud uniformed figure everyone knows him as today. “I think either side of the debate should see some humor in it,” Stenman says.

Embrace the things Madison loves, even if it seems counterintuitive.
Baseball food is about as unhealthy as it gets, and on Aug. 9, the Mallards will try to offset the sausage and beer consumption by giving away 1,000 apples. And on June 6, the team will be playing in special hemp uniforms on “Summertime St. Patty’s Night.” The connection? “It’s a green thing,” Stenman says. Totally, man. Totally.

Make painful things less painful.
Anyone who’s attended Rhythm And Booms knows the low-rent clusterfuck is hardly worth the agony of the two-hour wait that’s endured when leaving Warner Park after the fireworks are over. So on June 27, anyone who attends the game is welcome to watch the Booms show from their seat in the stadium following the game, as well as stick around to view Field Of Dreams on the scoreboard while the waves of the great unwashed clear the area.

Be smart about pairing giveaways.
On July 12, the first 1,000 fans in will receive a cereal bowl emblazoned with a Mallards logo—a gift that would obviously make a great flying saucer. That same day, the first 250 kids to the park will also be given bike helmets.

Free is free.
June 10 has the dubious honor of being named “Stop Plumber’s Butt Night.” Whatever could be given away on a day like this? Try logoed toilet plungers, and long-tail T-shirts. “It’s amazing how much people love free stuff, no matter what it is.” Stenman says.

Music is good. Good music is better.
It wouldn’t be a minor-league season without an Elvis impersonator (Aug. 7), but Stenman is most excited for a pre-game concert from Johnny Cash’s original backing band, The Tennessee Three (June 12). “We’re on mailing lists for every crappy touring band in the country, the vast majority of which no one would want to see.” Stenman says. “But these guys… this is cool.”