Jump around and eat shit: A Badger football Saturdays primer

Seven times each fall the streets surrounding Camp Randall Stadium are filled with roughly 80,000 pigskin fans sporting their gaudiest red-and-white apparel, fueled by little more than beer and meat products. Getting caught up in the wave of debauchery certainly can be fun, but it’s also a little intimidating for the uninitiated. So in the interest of making your football Saturday experiences more pleasant, The A.V. Club will take you by the hand and lead you around the broken beer bottles and puddles of vomit.

The Bermuda Triangle of Badgerness
Camp Randall Stadium is a picturesque, kick-ass historic stadium built in 1917 that’s located at the nexus of Regent Street, Monroe Street, and Breese Terrace. Still, it’s the stretch on Regent Street between the stadium and Park Street that’s ground zero for 90 percent of the shenanigans. In this six-block gauntlet, you’ll find bars, bar-restaurants, beer gardens, a liquor store, and various other shops and establishments that you’ll never visit on a football Saturday because they don’t sell alcohol.

Parking
There is none. Well, that’s not totally true—there just aren’t any parking lots anywhere near the stadium. One option is to park at one of the University-sanctioned lots and take a shuttle, though that’s generally more hassle than it’s worth. Instead, immerse yourself in the time-honored tradition of parking in one of the impromptu lots that pop up in the front and back yards of residential abodes surrounding the stadium. Obviously the prices get higher the closer you get to Camp Randall, and getting parked in after the game is always a very real possibility. If that happens, roll with it—it just means you have more time to do things that involve anything but drinking before you hop into your car and careen home. You know, because no Badgers fan would ever drive after spending an entire day sitting in the sun and drinking.

There will be booze
In theory, the whole point of the day is to watch a football game, though the actual game itself is little more than a four-hour respite from a daylong drunk. (There’s no alcohol served in the stadium, unless you’re one of the lucky few sitting in the suites or club seats.) As such, all of your drinking has to be done pre- and post-game. There’s always a plethora of tailgates and house parties, but if you don’t know anyone in the neighborhood, you’ll be best off visiting one of three bars that exist as the holy trinity of game-day booze consumption: Stadium Sports Bar And Eatery, Jordan’s Big 10 Pub, and Lucky’s Bar And Grille. Each set up beer gardens, which in this case means little more than roped-off parking lots serving up beer that falls somewhere between cold-ish and room temperature.

One thing to remember: Public drunkenness is de rigueur, so don’t be afraid to cut loose. It’s unlikely anyone you run into the next day will remember you had a bong jammed down your gullet. And if you’re more of a closet drunk, Regent Liquors (916 Regent St.) sells those small, flask-type bottles that are perfect for hiding in your pants and smuggling into the games—that is, if such activities were allowed at the stadium. Nobody ever does that, though.

Eats
While eating is certainly key to maintaining stamina during the grind of a football Saturday, the reality is that there’s not much in the way of gourmet food available. Most meals will be consumed standing up at the aforementioned bars or tailgates, and consist of standard grill fare like brats, burgers, and hot dogs. However, planning ahead isn’t the worst idea, and that involves a big-ass breakfast. If you want to temporarily avoid the hordes, you can hit a place on Monroe Street like Bluephies or Victor Allen’s Coffee for a scone, but really, this about football, and manliness, and spitting testosterone in golf ball-sized loogies, so there’s really only one choice: Mickies Dairy Bar. The breakfasts at this anachronistic diner are cheap, greasy, massive, and delicious. For the uber-adventurous non-dieter, the signature scrambler is a mountain of fried potatoes, eggs, meat, and cheese, all blanketed with gravy.

That giant wang sculpture
As part of Camp Randall’s renovation in 2005, a certain percentage of the money spent on the project had to be dedicated to the “arts.” The result was Nail’s Tails, a 48-foot stone obelisk made of footballs. Most of the jokes have already been told, but it still deserves mention for what it is: unsightly, unnecessary, out of place, and 100 percent John Holmesian.

Eat shit, fuck you
Once (if?) you make it into the game, understanding what’s happening on the field is only half the battle. The student section has developed a set of chants and cheers that, while simplistic and vulgar, take a bit of getting used to for the neophyte. The granddaddy occurs when one half of the student section yells “Eat shit!” and the other half is then required to respond with a hearty “Fuck you!” (And vice versa.) If someone on the opposing team screws up in any way, feel free to join the chants of, “You fucked up!” Additionally, when an opposing player gets hurt, it’s perfectly acceptable to yell, “Shoot him like a horse!” while pointing at said player as he writhes in pain. (We’re very welcoming half-wits here in Wisconsin.)

Also, regarding The Wave: It starts at normal speed, just as it does in every other stadium in the world, but then it slows down, speeds up, and eventually reverses direction. A twist, yes, but you’re in college, so you can figure this out. And lastly, you’ll surely hear tons and tons about the Fifth Quarter. This is a post-game fun-time ritual where the UW marching band comes onto the field to play, and everyone in the stands sings, does the chicken dance, and generally acts like a jackass. It’s supposed to be the greatest thing ever, and it is, if you’re part of the red-sweater-and-khaki crowd and think Bret Bielema is one of Madison’s great intellectuals. Short of falling in that demographic, drunkenness will probably do the trick.

Jumping around
When you hear the unpleasant squeal that is the opening bars of House Of Pain’s “Jump Around,” fear not—you aren't having an early-'90s flashback. The song is played at every game between the third and fourth quarters, and the spectacle of 13,500 students jumping in unison is one that’s rarely matched anywhere in the entire universe of sport.

“Varsity”
“Varsity” is the alumni song played during halftime, the Fifth Quarter, and periodically at bars before and after the game. You are required to sing, and even though the lyrics are simplistic (“Varsity! Varsity! / U-rah-rah! Wisconsin / Praise to thee we sing! / Praise to thee, our Alma Mater / U-rah-rah! Wisconsin!”), once you have the basic melody down, mumbling through the song works just fine. Of greater importance is knowing that you’ll have to be arm-in-arm with whoever’s standing next to you, which can either be a problem or a steadying boon depending on how much alcohol you’ve consumed to this point.