Talkin' Baseball The A.V. Club's arbitrary mid-season awards

With the season behind us, it’s time to drink the pain away. A nice idea, but the truth is that the Brewers’ disappointment express still has half a tank left to burn. Enough time to turn it around for sure, but things are looking pretty dire, barring a major shake-up. Instead of staring into the swirling vortex of a bleak future, it’s more fun for The A.V. Club to look back and hand out some arbitrary awards.

Player We Most Wish We Looked Like: George Kottaras
When J.J. Hardy was dealt to Minnesota last fall, he left a sizable hole in the Brewers clubhouse. No, not at shortstop—the team was covered there. Rather, the team was short a resident heartthrob. And with Alcides Escobar living out a Groundhog Day-scenario involving puberty’s most awkward day, Corey Hart resembling hybrid of a Joe Dirt and an elongated Ewok, Ryan Braun’s fashion sense and fauxhawk being too much to take, and Todd Coffey … uhhh, looking like Todd Coffey, the title of best-looking Brewer fell on Kottaras’ unlikely (and perfectly chiseled) shoulders.

But the Canadian (exotic!) catcher hasn’t garnered attention solely by way of his perfectly trimmed beard, fluency in Greek, and classic good looks. He’s also proven himself to be a serviceable backup capable of blasting dingers (seven of them) and drawing walks. His 27 free passes are just two fewer than Ryan Braun has in more than 200 more at-bats.

Best Free Agent Acquisition: Geoff Jenkins
Face it, Jim Edmonds has cooled off considerably and neither Randy Wolf nor LaTroy Hawkins have lived up to expectations. Those unsavory signings, combined with Gregg Zaun bringing his Z-Game to the disabled list, make the Brewers’ one-day contract to Geoff Jenkins the below-.500 team’s best free agent move of the season in that it cost the team nothing and didn’t hurt them in any way. Plus, it was kind of awesome.

Player Who Looks Most Like A Guy From The Wild West: John Axford
The heir apparent to Milwaukee’s closing role, Axford has gone a perfect 10 for 10 since taking over for the guy who rode “Hell’s Bells” into the ground. And even though his ERA isn’t exactly lights out (3.21), he more than made up for it by (presumably) ripping Rollie Fingers’ mustache off and bringing it back to the park where it belongs. Add his oily parted hat hair to the equation and the “Ax Man” starts to look like a real gunslinger, except without the fucked-up teeth.

Least Disappointing Of Disappointing Relievers: Jeff Suppan
It’s an understatement to say Milwaukee’s pricey bullpen has underperformed. We’ve already made mention of Hoffman, Coffey, and Hawkins' attempts at relief appearances providing quite the opposite. But of all the truly disappointing relief pitchers the club has trotted out to throw away games this season, Suppan has proved to be the least disappointing among them. For one, everyone already expected him to suck balls. And after he did that for a while, he was released and paid around $10 million to pitch for a division rival, which fans celebrated.

Most Surprising First Half By A Guy Not Named Corey Hart: Jon Corey Hart
Oh, the things one can learn when reading Baseball-Reference habitually. Feel free to use this juicy factoid to make name-based comparisons between the Brewers outfielder and a dude who’s credited as “Miscellaneous Crew” for something called Hunting for Herschell in 2003. But seriously, Hart has been great.

Accuweather Meteorologist Of The First Half: Kate Bilo
Mostly, it’s because we can’t immediately recall the name of that Asian woman who also studies the skies so Brewers fans don’t have to. But if Fox Sports Wisconsin needs to employ someone to obstruct green-screened cloud patterns and tell fans the weather in Houston (where there’s a retractable dome) while we’re all in Wisconsin, it might as well be her.