Victory can be yours: a few of Madison’s toughest food challenges

It is a rare breed of human that can eye up a slab of meat the size of a belt sander and think, “I’d like to eat that.” But provocatively packaged super-meals do find their target eater, and when they do, it’s an occasion to set off hushed murmurs of disbelief as 22 burritos hit the table (all for your mom), and a round of applause when her plate is clean. The A.V. Club checked into some of Madison’s most difficult food challenges to better gauge the potential for completing such a mission and living to tell the tale.

Carnival’s
The Burger King advertising campaign for its famous “quarter-pounder” stressed that it’s a behemoth. So what does a burger four times as big look like? The Ultimate Carni Burger is a wholly unnatural looking stack of three 1/3-pound burger patties slathered with “CC” special sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions.
Likelihood of completion: One person can eat a pound of meat, a bit of bread, and some veggies. It’s the shakes, sweating, and cramps that come on later for which that person needs to be ready.

State Street Brats
If a sandwich including four brats, a burger patty, slices of cheese, cheese curds with a side of fries, and a 32-ounce boot of beer appeals, this famous Madison beer kennel is the spot. Eat it all in 30 minutes and the entire meal is free.
Likelihood of completion: It’s easy to imagine a really drunk, really hungry UW-Madison football player completing this challenge. It is also, unfortunately, easy to imagine him booting the beer boot in a gnarly Technicolor yawn a few minutes later. Does that count?

The Vintage Spirits & Grill
The waitress lied when she said the Vintage Burger is “really good.” It’s not any kind of good; it’s pure, concentrated evil. Two large patties of beef, a slice of ham, bacon, a fried egg, red onion, and slabs of Swiss and cheddar cheese gluing the whole mass together create a burger so dense it has its own event horizon.
Likelihood of completion: Four peckish eaters couldn’t do it together, but one really serious lumberjack has a chance.

Urban Slice
The $25, three-foot-long “Strombozilla” is a huge calzone at Urban Slice in Union South requiring 15 minutes to prepare and intended to serve seven people.
Likelihood of completion: The cheese and bread in this “city-destroyer” tend to expand even more once down the gullet; professional eaters up on their training are the only people alive who could eat this one solo.