We don't negotiate with tourists: The A.V. Club's guide to the city guides of Madison

In an effort to show off the visitor-friendly side of Madison, countless publications have offered their takes on what makes this town so great. While perusing these well-intentioned manuals and unknowingly outdated itineraries, The A.V. Club couldn't help but notice the omission of a few important details. Ever the eager tour guide, allow us to explain:

Things To Do
Frommer’s says: “Late April through early November, Capitol Square hosts the vibrant, open-air Dane County Farmers Market on Saturday and Wednesday, with local produce and cheese, arts and crafts booths, musicians, and more than a few speakers on soapboxes.”
But they forgot to mention: Due the abundant attendees, from late April through early November, the Capitol Square market on weekends is a standing-room-only nightmare akin to being forced into a block-long conga line where you only get breaks to buy fresh kale.
The A.V. Club recommends: If you can’t make it the Capitol square before the 8 a.m.-to-noon people sandwich, go to either side of Madison for any number of the farmers' markets within city limits. Every Saturday and Wednesday during the summer, Hilldale Mall (702 N. Midvale Boulevard, 608-238-6640) hosts the Hilldale Farmers' Market, and the Northside Town Center (1865 Northport Dr., 608-255-0620) hosts the Northside Farmers' Market on every Sunday. Or if you’ve come to associate farmers' markets in Madison with the capitol, drop by on Wednesday mornings for a smaller version of the market on the square in front of the City Council building (210 Martin Luther King J. Blvd.)

Downtown
Explore Wisconsin says: “There's no place like State Street—a unique place in downtown Madison alive with activity every day of the week and featuring block after block of specialty shops, art galleries, gift stores, women's boutiques, ethnic shops, theaters, museums, restaurants, and outdoor sidewalk cafes.”
But they forgot to mention: Madison boasts multiple places just like State Street that are downtown or downtown-adjacent, and you won’t have to fight though throngs of drunken revelers and aggressive panhandlers.
The A.V. Club recommends: Upper Monroe Street, or better yet, Williamson Street: Both have a similar ratio of boutiques, record stores, pizza joints, ethnic food restaurants, theaters, sidewalk cafes, and clubs to any block-long stretch of State. And even though it caters more to the downtown business crowd, the opposite corner of the square from State—the Wilson Street and Main Street corridors—also boast a wealth of restaurant, bars, and performance spaces.

Getting Around
The New York Times Says: “Centered on an isthmus between Lakes Mendota and Monona and surrounded by conservation land, Madison is a haven for outdoors types and one of the most bicycle-friendly cities in the country.”
But they forgot to mention: While there might be clearly marked bicycle lanes on most major thoroughfares, friendly or not, Madison is also one of the most unsafe places to drive in America: The 16th most, to be exact. Anyone who has braved rush-hour Washington Avenue traffic can tell you how little bike-friendliness plays into daily travel around town.
The A.V. Club recommends: The extensive and nearly always running bus lines are a good option. If you’re leery of the sketchiness that generally goes on inside city buses (like drivers getting paid better than the mayor), catching a ride with one of the many bicycle rickshaw drivers downtown provides the intimacy of a bike ride with the laziness of sitting. But beware of rickshaw operators who easily succumb to peer pressure, especially during Badger games.

Nightlife
The New York Times says: "Madison is a late-night kind of town, especially for fans of live music. Check out a show at the High Noon Saloon, a large Western-tinged club with a balcony for catbird views of bands."
But they forgot to mention: Although the High Noon and the excellent catbird action it provides are very worth mentioning, Madison has an extreme wealth of music venues to show off, coming in all sorts of sizes, shapes, and scents.
The A.V. Club recommends: Check out a show at one of the tiny hidden venue treasures Madison has to offer, like the for-rent synagogue Gates Of Heaven or the converted basement Kiki’s House Of Righteous Music. Project Lodge is another cozy club that pulls a wide variety of independent artists both mega-hyped (Titus Andronicus) and delightfully unknown (Man’s Last Great Invention). Plus, you can take pride in knowing about the deep shit the Times overlooked.

The Lakefront
Yelp says: “I love this place. Summer just isn't summer in Madison without the Terrace. Iconic green, yellow, and orange Terrace chairs and Lake Mendota make the Terrace beautiful.”
But they forgot to mention: The odds of getting enough of those chairs to accommodate your whole posse on a busy weekend night are only slightly better than your odds of being struck by a meteorite while driving a Delorean.
The A.V. Club recommends: Bring a blanket and shitloads of bug spray for a mini picnic on the grass, since skipping the Terrace while visiting Madison would be like omitting gifts from a Christmas celebration. But just like the uncertainty of unwrapping presents, be prepared to feign delight when you receive the proverbial tube socks in the form of flying insects and lousy food to go along with your bounty of free live music, no tipping for drinks, and fresh air.

Dining
Trip Advisor says: "If you want to head out to the suburbs, go a little farther West near Middleton [for] the best burger in Wisconsin at Culver's."
But they forgot to mention: If Culver's is the best burger in Wisconsin, then why not complete your "best of Wisconsin" food tour with stops at Topper's, Cracker Barrel, and Taco John's?
The A.V. Club recommends: Any skuzzy wood-paneled Wisconsin dive bar will sling a better patty than the national chains, but Madison is balls-to-the-wall with tasty burgers. Dotty Dumpling's Dowry (317 N. Frances St., 608-259-0000) dominates plates and faces alike with specialty burgers like the California (with jalapeno, bacon, and avocado), and The Plaza Tavern (319 N. Henry St., 608-255-6592) liberally slathers its burgers in the legendary secret-recipe Plaza sauce, both rivaling The Old Fashioned (23 N. Pinckney St., 608-310-4545) for ground-meat greatness and all three easily kicking Culver’s ass to the curb.