Weird books for every stocking
A local literary grab bag
Tiffany Mason
That pretty much says it all.
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The holidays are a time when shoddy electronics see big markdowns, but nobody does cheap gift deals like the literary world. What better way to finish the shopping season than to visit local bookstores and check out the gift book tables and bargain racks? There’s no shortage of shrink-wrapped tomes featuring glossy pages and colorful promises, and bargain bins always offer random, hard-to-find treats. As Decider found on a recent perusal of area bookstores, there really is something for everyone.
Frugal Muse (1193 N. Sherman Ave., 242-0000)
You have to wonder why, in a bookstore of used, cheap books, some are finally relegated to the clearance rack. Don’t question it, just run to this store before these deals are snatched up.
For people with too much time on their hands: Committed: Confessions Of A Fantasy Football Junkie, for $2.98. The author quit his advertising job to play and investigate fantasy football full time. Usually, no one admits to being this lame.
Book you might be embarrassed to be seen with: Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello To Courtship, which, its jacket proclaims, is “an honest, romantic, refreshingly biblical look at relationships.” This book by the director of New Attitude Ministries is so popular it’s going for $0.95.
For New Year’s resolutions: High Performance Racquetball, for $1.98. This 1985 how-to comes complete with pics of hairy-legged guys in short-shorts and knee-high white socks looking serious as they swing their racquets.
A Room of One’s Own
Hey, at least this local bookstore’s gift selection takes some guts and assertiveness to its approach. A memoir called Foreskin’s Lament, displayed in the front window, signals this place isn’t for faint-hearted givers.
For people with too much time on their hands: Tiny Yarn Animals. It’s amazing what one can do with a crochet needle and a lack of a life.
For people who don’t actually want to read: The Wizard Of Oz, a reinvention of the classic tale that brings Dorothy to life in weird Barbie-doll and photo collage art. If you haven’t done drugs before now, this book will help approximate the experience for you to the tune of $29.95.
If your holidays weren’t depressing enough: Cringe, a collection of teenage diaries in a cute, colorful book with entries in their original bubbly handwriting and pictures of doodled-over Bobby Brown notebooks. Ah, adolescent girlhood.
Half Price Books (4250 East Towne Blvd., 244-1189)
Even when worn ironically, Hawaiian shirts are tacky. But if you insist on wearing one, perhaps you should read up on the phenomenon. It says something about Half Price’s staff—Decider’s not sure what—that they volunteer to aid your descent into fashion hell by displaying The Aloha Shirt: Spirit Of The Islands in the front of the store. At $14.98, it comes complete with 70 images and a chapter on the “golden age” of the aloha shirt. (In case anyone’s wondering, it’s over.)
For people with too much time on their hands: Creative Carving Of Fruits And Vegetables. For just $7.98, you can learn to make such masterpieces as an apple swan, papaya lantern, or an elaborate watermelon ship. If you have any friends left, you can invite them over to eat your creations.
Book you might be embarrassed to be seen with: There’s so much to choose from here. Start with The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Comfort Food for $8.48. (If you can’t figure out how to make mac and cheese, you are an idiot.) Next try Esquire’s Things A Man Should Know About Marriage, $5.48, which includes classy advice like, “Don’t propose marriage when there’s beer on your breath.” And don’t forget Let’s Make Fun Of The French, for $4.98, with such brilliant wit as “Their greatest invention is the bidet,” and “Instead of having muscles, they eat mussels.”
For people who don’t actually want to read: Gift “kits” include The Art Of Hula Dancing: Sway Your Way To A Sexier You for $4.98, or the ever-popular Pimp My Cubicle kit, which promises to “take your work space from boring to bling!” For just $5.98, you get a pimp mousepad, leopard-print fringe, a mini-disco ball, and a money sign paperweight.
If your holidays weren’t depressing enough: The Mocktail Bar Guide: 200 Recipes For Alcohol-Free Drinks, $3.98. Try the gin and tonic with ginger ale (wink, wink), a dash of orange extract, and lime.
Barnes & Noble
This store features so many choices that a shopper can get lost in the giddiness of it all. Get started with O’s Big Book Of Happiness. For $29.95, own what is basically Oprah Winfrey’s magazine on crack. Inside, you’ll find “O’s Mental Health Kit,” and something called Queen Latifah’s “Aha! Moment.” All this, plus the satisfaction of feeding Oprah’s multi-billion-dollar empire.
For people with too much time on their hands: The New York Times: The Complete Front Pages, 1851-2008. There’s a reason this stuff used to be hidden in dusty basement microfilm rooms at the library, but hey, who are we to stand in your way?
Book you might be embarrassed to be seen with: Influence ($35), a glossy book by Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen. It’s a collection of interviews with “creative visionaries” such as Karl Lagerfeld and Diane von Furstenberg. With the sort of intellectual insight only the Olsen twins can offer, Mary-Kate starts one Q&A with this hard-hitting confession: “I wanted to be your intern for a while. I’m not kidding.”
For people who don’t actually want to read: Sometimes it’s nice to boil the big, confusing world down into clean one-word-titled photo books, such as Volcanoes or Horses. Or check out 20,000 Miles Under The Sea ($26.95), a graphic pop-up novel complete with 3D images of a submarine interior and a giant pink octopus.
For New Year’s resolutions: Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Teens, $8.98. If you need a few more clichés to round out your life, this book doesn’t disappoint. (Habit #3: Put first things first.)
If your holidays aren’t depressing enough: Spend your afternoon paging through such inspirational reads as Public Executions From Ancient Rome To The Present Day, marked down to $6.98.
Borders
This is a bookstore that never disappoints. On its table of “quirky, comical” books, you’ll find Indognito: A Book Of Canines In Costume, which should earn a Pulitzer for the title alone.
For people with too much time on their hands: The Complete Cartoons Of The New Yorker, $19.99. This ginormous book could crush a puppy if accidentally dropped.
For people who don’t actually want to read: For $9.99, the CD/book combo Speeches That Changed The World brings to life historic figures such as Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, and Gandhi.
For New Year’s resolutions: Learn a new skill with one of many book kits. Favorites include Window Art, for $9.99, with paint-by-number diagrams, paint tubes, and clear vinyl sheets to paint your “masterpiece” on.
If your holidays aren’t depressing enough: Cobain Unseen offers exact replicas of diary entries and drawings from suicidal Nirvana leader Kurt Cobain. Sure to be a real upper.
