Blog Who's gonna die more? Lords Of The Trident vs. Iron Maiden

"If you're gonna die, you're gonna die." —Iron Maiden, "Die With Your Boots On"

The success of Dethklok—the fictitious metal band of Adult Swim's Metalocalypse, brought to life by extremely skilled real musicians on tour—has proven once and for all that it's entirely possible to thrive in the huge parallel universe of heavy metal by parodying the horns off of it. But it's clear that mock-metal acts have to live up to some pretty stiff criteria if they're to be anything but novelty acts screaming at drunks. First and foremost, these bands have to at least cut it technically, and preferably even show up the finest of screamers, blastbeat-rattlers, and riff-chuggers. But even if you practice your harmonic-minor scales until kingdom come, you still have to prove that you want it bad enough. And you don't, in fact, unless you're willing to slather your lyrics in death, malice, and/or apocalyptic portents.

Madison's own Lords Of The Trident, who play the High Noon this coming Sunday, named their 2008 album Death Or Sandwich, and their songs often come off as cheeky love letters to Iron Maiden, a band whose members would turn into hippies if they obsessed any more over war and slaughter. Gauntlet-sporting frontman Fang VonKillenstein pumps his macho mid-range and screeching falsetto in a silly yet affectionate approximation of Bruce Dickinson, and dual-lead guitarists Asian Metal (dressed in the garb of feudal Japan) and Killius Maximus (who's got more of a gladiator look) pull off a decent combination of galloping riffs and harmonized solos. But the most apt and funny similarity here is that both the Lords' song "Rapeshore" and Iron Maiden's song "Die With Your Boots On" (from 1983's Piece Of Mind) fall back on the phrase "you're gonna die!" as a relentless refrain. The use of these three words is as good yardstick as any for measuring the Lords' mock-metal success against a chief influence.

First, the stats:
Official "you're gonna die" usage count
"Rapeshore": 8
"Die With Your Boots On": 35

Of course, there are some qualifiers here. Most of the reps in "Die With Your Boots On" are preceded by an "if," and the call-and-response between Dickinson and his bandmates during the pre-choruses really inflates the count. In most Maiden songs, facing down death is usually a tough guy's chore (or, in the case of "Flight Of Icarus," a complete fucking idiot's). Sometimes it's certain, sometimes it's not, but it's all about just accepting the possibility, hence the first line in the chorus: "If you're gonna die, die with your boots on." And this isn't counting Dickinson's song-ending bark of, simply, "die."

In the chorus of "Rapeshore," VonKillenstein handles all the repetitions of "you're gonna die," apparently from the point of view of some kind of serial rapist, as his bandmates shout "rapeshore!" behind him. Now, if you're yelling a word with "rape" in it and you're not the victim, then you're likely doing it for the sake of poor taste. "Rapeshore" is apparently a reference to a stretch of lakeshore path on the UW-Madison campus where actual rapes and assaults have happened. In other words, the narrator of Lords' song has directed his malice and epic quest for power outside Maiden's period-dramas about mythical warring dudes, stripping off the veneer of matter-of-fact courage. Even the most seasoned of ancient mariners would probably spurt mead through his nose if caught unawares by this tune's chorus. VonKillenstein's "you're gonna die" often follows a grunt of "come on!" as if he's trying to talk his victims into trying the most cool, thrilling thing ever.

But hey, it's clear they're more committed to the "die" part than the "rape" part: VonKillenstein makes his "you're gonna die-eeeee!" screech count like balls on fire on every try, and the band even tops its MySpace page with "YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!!" (its exclamation points). As a bonus, Lords turn this whole deal into a friendly sing-along affair during live shows. With that kind of commitment to unspeakable filth, Lords Of The Trident earn their horns. Also: You're gonna die!