4th And 26 Why Sunday's crappy Packers-Browns game is slightly better than the '65 championship

The 1965 NFL Championship is the type of game that leaves Packers fans wishing they could anthropomorphize the “good ol’ days” and give them a feverish dry-hump. When Green Bay beat Cleveland 23-12, the Pack’s roster was overflowing with future Hall Of Famers, Vince Lombardi was spitting green and gold fire, and Jim Brown was the nastiest running back ever (and had yet to appear on T.J. Hooker). If a player broke an arm, well, he’d just gnaw if off and return a play later to club someone with the stump. Hell, even the mud was muddier.

All signs point to Sunday’s game in Cleveland being pretty much the exact opposite. The Browns’ only victory this season came in a 6-3 thriller over the Bills, their best weapon is a kick returner, and they’re probably worse than even their 1-5 record indicates. But they aren't the worst. It’s already clear that Washington, Detroit, Tampa Bay, St. Louis, Buffalo, Tennessee, Oakland, Kansas City, and Cleveland have no chance at making the playoffs. Any team half-assedly decent can pencil in an automatic W when playing these train-wrecks. And I think it’s safe to say the Packers are half-assedly decent. 

So with another snoozer on deck, should we put on our sepia-colored glasses and pine for the days of yore? Hell no. Here's why Sunday's crappy Packers-Browns game is at least slightly better than the '65 championship.

Crazy-ass hippie linebackers
Under Lombardi’s iron-fist rule, the Packers were automatons who could have easily been mistaken for extras in Full Metal Jacket. While there’s something to be said for buzz-cut group discipline (like not having 130 yards in penalties, which is what this year's slacker Packers had against the Lions last week), the perpetually ashen Lombardi teams were a little lacking in color. What they needed was someone like the Samson-esque Clay Matthews, who went on a rampage last week—five tackles (three for losses), two sacks, and a pass defended. It was easily the best Packers linebacker performance of the season, which isn't saying much, but still was a highly entertaining "holy shit!"-caliber performance.
Why ’09 is better than ’65: Linebackers coach Kevin Greene used to sport the same ridiculous hairpiece Matthews does, so obviously he’s not going to say anything to upset him.

The forward pass
In the ’65 championship, Bart Starr threw for 147 yards, and Jim Taylor and Paul Hornung ran for a combined 201 yards. It was textbook, head-crunching football—and, oh yeah, also excruciatingly boring. Call me a football philistine, but I'd much rather watch Aaron Rodgers wing it all over the yard than beefy guys who sell used cars in the off-season rub up against each other for three hours. By the way, the Browns are dead last in total defense, allowing more than 400 yards a game. Those four bills are going to have to be divvyed up somehow, and with Rodgers on pace for almost 4,700 yards, I vote that he gets the bulk. That'll work out well, because I’m not sure the Pack’s started a running back all season anyway.
Why ’09 is better than ’65: If the Packers sweep never existed, an essential cog in Chris Berman’s repertoire of inane highlight calls would be gone. I’d like to think that might have been the butterfly flapping its wings that kept him from ever getting a job.

A hateable opposing coach
In 1965, Blanton Collier was the coach of the Browns. Who? Only some no-name who went 76-34-2 with five division championships and a NFL title. Contrast that with the self-righteous Eric Mangini, who has puffed himself up into a celebrity coach who makes cameos on The Sopranos, all while having only made the playoffs once. After studying under the eye of famed laconic crank Bill Belichick, Mangini has done his bitchy mentor proud at every turn except for that whole “winning tons of football games” thing. He pissed everyone off in New York, and his six-game tenure in Cleveland has included alienating the team, fan base, and local press; shuffling his quarterbacks arbitrarily so what little confidence Brady Quinn had is now completely torched; and generally acting like an entitled ass whenever possible. Maybe that “Mangenius” tag was a bit premature.
Why ’09 is better than ’65: Forty years ago, Mangini would have been stuck pumping up footballs; instead, he gets to run a squad. That’s great for the Pack, and all 16 teams on the Browns schedule.

The unholy specter of Brett Favre
Just as TV announcers are required by law to mention the words "kid," "gunslinger," and "fun" every time they say "Brett Favre," sportswriters have to shoehorn a No. 4 reference into every column. (Check.) Unfortunately, Favre makes it all too easy. Remember the days when a shutout win would add a little hitch to your giddyup, and have you watching 14 straight SportsCenters so you could catch the recap one more time? Twice in five games Brett Favre has ruined satisfying Packers thrashings with late-game heroics. (This week he had an assist from Steven fucking Hauschka). Is it too much to ask for a Pack win and Vikes loss so we can properly enjoy a Sunday afternoon? I know I'm assuming a win against the Browns at this point, but please Pittsburgh, throw me a bone here before we square off against Favre Nov. 1 at Lambeau.
Why ’09 is better than ’65: I’m sure there were plenty of people to root against in 1965—George Halas, Nikita Khrushchev, Fidel Castro—but none of them were anywhere near as evil as Favre. When our opponent is this smelly and uninspiring, it’s cool to have a giant, purple-headed dick at whom we can direct our unused sports ire.

Prediction: In the Browns' only win this year, quarterback Derek Anderson played the entire game and went 2-17 for 23 yards. Atari Bigby is back, Matthews is coming on, and the defense is healthy. That’s all anyone needs to know. Packers 33, Browns 3