A.V. Club's guide to a Milwaukee staycation
Maximizing vacation time spent stuck at home
Maximizing vacation time spent stuck at home
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We used to blame our bad selves for our bad credit, but now we can blame the economy. Which is really convenient, since scapegoating does wonders for our collective self-esteem and motivates us to make the most of being financially fastened to Milwaukee during work vacations and “sick” days. So, without the funds for fun elsewhere, follow Decider’s four-point strategy for a satisfying get-away trapped inside a stay-at-home body.
1. Drive to the airport. Navigating the familiar route to General Mitchell International is scientifically proven to trigger endorphin reactions in the brain that force the body into a physical state of “vacation time, baby.” Once you arrive at MKE, all bloated and casual, don’t just loiter at curbside pickup, raising security levels and getting tasered: Park your ride and start browsing the airport branch of Renaissance Book Shop, whose collection of new and used reads is eclectic and vast, not to mention completely out of place (in a good way) beside the burger chains and tabloid stands of airport malls. $12 of merch buys you free parking and the kind of esoteric literary finds that’ll make your nerd friends all the nerdier with jealousy. Take the fakation vibe a step further and visit the more overwhelming downtown Renaissance (834 N Plankinton Ave.), where more than half a million books allow for generous overstretching of that “books take you anywhere” metaphor.
2. Smelling is believing, so get the olfactory senses backpacking across the globe by sticking your nose unhygienically close to the exotically stanky hand-selected, hand-prepared seasonings of The Spice House (1031 N. Old World 3rd St.) The aromatic specialty shop—replete with over seven different cinnamons fit for kings and five hot paprikas fit for, um, Hungarian kings—can take you as far east as the streets of a nebulous Asia with a challenging citrus-ginger “Argyle Street Asian Blend,” as far north as the roads of Wasilla with a meat-forward “Butcher's Rubs Gift Box,” as far back as those years you served in an Indonesian prison for trafficking opiates with a kilo of fresh A-1 extra fancy “Dutch Blue Poppy Seed.” Continue the assault on your nasal and synaptic passages by following your nose to the Milwaukee Public Market outpost of The Spice House (400 N. Water St.) for an even bigger bouquet of conflicting emotions. There, you’ll whiff your way through evocative farm-fresh fruits and flowers, candies and coffees, and baked breads and cheeses—plenty of fodder for the recipes you'll pick up from Spice House.
3. Get the Euro Disney bug out of your system by visiting StoneFire Pizza, a “family entertainment” center that doesn’t discriminate against family-free adults looking to sample from the pizza and corndog buffet, ascend the 28 ft. high climbing wall, go mini-bowling, sprain an ankle, and get rushed to Intensive Care in a bumper car. What? If you were in Paris right now, you’d make a day of being ironic and tacky at some tourist trap. And you’d sincerely love every sarcastic minute of it. Consider this your vaguely foreign guilty pleasure, and go all “fête for the heart” by hitting up the 13-ingredient sundae bar, hogging the Mario Kart arcade game, and splurging on a “Stimulus Day-Cation Package” (hells yeah), which includes a crack at the food counter and unlimited game-time for $29.95 ($19.95 for kids, if you plan on taking your nephew as some pathetic veneer for your own immaturity).
4. If you’re of native Milwaukee ilk, chances are you associate Mitchell Park Horticultural Conservatory with some awkward cornerstone of your breeding, like prom. For you, a traipse through The Domes may be more of an emotional journey, but for the first-timer, the three architecturally impressive “boobs” offer exciting, new opportunities for making “beam me up, Scotty” jokes while running from Madagascar to the rainforest, from The Arid to the Tropical, and Floral Show Dome. It’s a decadently geeky way to rapidly experience different climes on a budget without the hassles of donning a fanny-pack and contracting dysentery.
