A.V. Club’s Milwaukee Santa survey
Hey St. Nick, we have our own list, and it’s not pretty
No related
We all know that Santa has a list, and that he’s checking it twice, and that by now he’s probably decided who’s been naughty or nice. But Decider wonders: Who watches the watchmen? This holiday season we visited local malls with two adorable youngsters to see if Milwaukee’s corps of Kris Kringles were worthy of the red hat and army of elves. Sadly, we found more naughty rent-a-Santas than nice ones.
Bayshore Town Center
Jolliness: F. This Santa got testy when we tried to take pictures of one of our tykes sitting on his lap. When we protested, he replied, “Go to the other malls. They won’t let you take any.” Wait, there’s more than one St. Nick? (Not in front of the kid, you cut-rate Claus!)
Appearance: A. Sure, this guy looked like Santa. White beard, red suit, not very difficult.
Elves: F. No elves. Just some bored-looking ladies who got all Gestapo on our ass when we exceeded the photo limit.
Atmosphere: C-. Aside from a nice red throne and a tree, this Santa didn’t bring much to the table as far as setting goes. Setting up in the middle of the food court tends to ruin the illusion of being at the North Pole. Plus, Bayshore’s website promised a gift for every kid, and we didn’t get anything.
Jolliness: F. This Santa got testy when we tried to take pictures of one of our tykes sitting on his lap. When we protested, he replied, “Go to the other malls. They won’t let you take any.” Wait, there’s more than one St. Nick? (Not in front of the kid, you cut-rate Claus!)
Appearance: A. Sure, this guy looked like Santa. White beard, red suit, not very difficult.
Elves: F. No elves. Just some bored-looking ladies who got all Gestapo on our ass when we exceeded the photo limit.
Atmosphere: C-. Aside from a nice red throne and a tree, this Santa didn’t bring much to the table as far as setting goes. Setting up in the middle of the food court tends to ruin the illusion of being at the North Pole. Plus, Bayshore’s website promised a gift for every kid, and we didn’t get anything.
Mayfair Mall
Jolliness: B-. This Santa was reasonably jolly, but was he holly jolly? Not quite.
Appearance: D+. No boots, no gloves, no hat, no service. Instead, this Santa donned a bizarre blue shirt. This is no time for non-conformity. He did have a real beard, but it was long and scraggly—just like his hair, which made him look like Santa’s unemployed half-brother.
Elves: D. No elves, just the photographer’s employees in street clothes. And they enforced the same two-photos-per-camera rule as Bayshore, in an equally unfriendly manner. Crafty parents exploited the loophole and brought three cameras.
Atmosphere: C+. While it didn’t exactly create the illusion that of visiting somewhere other than a mall, Santa’s golden house was passably festive.
Jolliness: B-. This Santa was reasonably jolly, but was he holly jolly? Not quite.
Appearance: D+. No boots, no gloves, no hat, no service. Instead, this Santa donned a bizarre blue shirt. This is no time for non-conformity. He did have a real beard, but it was long and scraggly—just like his hair, which made him look like Santa’s unemployed half-brother.
Elves: D. No elves, just the photographer’s employees in street clothes. And they enforced the same two-photos-per-camera rule as Bayshore, in an equally unfriendly manner. Crafty parents exploited the loophole and brought three cameras.
Atmosphere: C+. While it didn’t exactly create the illusion that of visiting somewhere other than a mall, Santa’s golden house was passably festive.
Brookfield Square
Jolliness: B+. Santa chatted with the kids for a good period of time, and even broke out a smile every now and then. (We’re grading on a curve here.)
Appearance: A-. This guy looked like Santa, with a real beard and an authentic-looking costume. His hat was a little too long, perhaps indicating his need to express his individuality like the Mayfair Mall guy. But for the most part he stuck to the standard Santa playbook.
Elves: C. No elves, just women in aprons taking pictures and selling photos. Here, they didn’t allow any pictures taken with our own camera. Who knew Santa had such hatred for the paparazzi?
Atmosphere: C+. Santa’s green throne was pretty cool, but the set-up felt a lot more like a photography studio than a magical toy factory.
Jolliness: B+. Santa chatted with the kids for a good period of time, and even broke out a smile every now and then. (We’re grading on a curve here.)
Appearance: A-. This guy looked like Santa, with a real beard and an authentic-looking costume. His hat was a little too long, perhaps indicating his need to express his individuality like the Mayfair Mall guy. But for the most part he stuck to the standard Santa playbook.
Elves: C. No elves, just women in aprons taking pictures and selling photos. Here, they didn’t allow any pictures taken with our own camera. Who knew Santa had such hatred for the paparazzi?
Atmosphere: C+. Santa’s green throne was pretty cool, but the set-up felt a lot more like a photography studio than a magical toy factory.
Southridge Mall
Jolliness: A. This was the only Santa who hollered out a hearty “Merry Christmas,” who smiled at kids who weren’t on his lap, and who even laughed as a baby repeatedly ripped his glasses off his face. If that ain’t jolly, then call us Burl freaking Ives.
Appearance: A. Real beard, bright red costume, aforementioned smiles and jolliness. No complaints here.
Elves: B. No elves, of course. But Santa’s helpers were smiling, and they chatted with parents and kids before escorting them to the big guy. The photographer really worked hard to get a good shot, even ringing bells and waving an Elmo doll, which almost makes the outrageous price of prints worth it. And nobody stopped parents from snapping their own pictures. It was a Christmas miracle!
Atmosphere: A. The green throne was big enough for kids to sit next to Santa. It wasn’t perfect, but Southridge gets an A for actually trying to make it special. And if an overworked and underpaid rent-a-Santa isn’t special, what is?
Jolliness: A. This was the only Santa who hollered out a hearty “Merry Christmas,” who smiled at kids who weren’t on his lap, and who even laughed as a baby repeatedly ripped his glasses off his face. If that ain’t jolly, then call us Burl freaking Ives.
Appearance: A. Real beard, bright red costume, aforementioned smiles and jolliness. No complaints here.
Elves: B. No elves, of course. But Santa’s helpers were smiling, and they chatted with parents and kids before escorting them to the big guy. The photographer really worked hard to get a good shot, even ringing bells and waving an Elmo doll, which almost makes the outrageous price of prints worth it. And nobody stopped parents from snapping their own pictures. It was a Christmas miracle!
Atmosphere: A. The green throne was big enough for kids to sit next to Santa. It wasn’t perfect, but Southridge gets an A for actually trying to make it special. And if an overworked and underpaid rent-a-Santa isn’t special, what is?
