Back to School Avoiding clumsy college attempts at making friends

Ever since the first skull crossed the first bone and the first group of eunuchs in letter sweaters harmonized a cappella somewhere in the northeastern United States, college has been labeled “the best years of your life.” But what no one ever tells you is that those best years are typically preceded by some truly awkward initial attempts at fitting in. Torn from the confines of the world you’ve known for the past 18 years, college can seem a daunting new environment. Many a clumsy freshman has stumbled through pathetic missteps in a desperate effort to make friends. Here, The A.V. Club offers a quick guide for avoiding such dastardly blunders so that you may look back on your college years without regret—or without the lame kind of regrets, anyway.

Ultimate Frisbee
Did you see that clip from SportsCenter? Where that guy made that amazing disc catch? Wow, right? But guess what? That is the only cool thing that has ever happened in the history of ultimate. And it wasn’t even all that cool. But in your first few days you may not think that. You’ll see a gaggle of pseudo-athletes whipping the bee with a flick of their fingers, doing that weird inverted toss over their head that soars upside-down the whole length of the field, and think to yourself, “Hey, I can do that!” But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Because soon afterwards, you’ll find yourself sitting on some porch with a bunch of fellow ultimate enthusiasts, sipping an oatmeal stout and remarking upon how sturdy the sweet rocking chair Dane built is, when suddenly you’ll realize that you’re only 19 and you already hate yourself. You have your entire life to be out of touch. Might as well explore a few other options before your knees give out.
Try this instead: Join a kickball team. You can do it until you’re 60 and most leagues demand you play with a beer in hand.

Improv comedy
Those lonely first few weeks of school will leave you pining for a means to express yourself. But if you ever want to look at photos from your freshman year again, don’t do improv. The majority of improv is insufferable, with only a small percentage of it being absolutely hilarious and inspired. Sure, every college has at the very least one troupe, but do you know why that is? Because college kids are delusional. That’s why there are still journalism departments. Colleges amass improv troupes the way improv troupes amass ugly sweaters. Better to avoid it altogether.
Try this instead: Art classes. It’s obvious you have the need to express yourself, extrovert, so why not take one of those introductory drawing classes? Like improv, this too will prove a passing fad, but at least you’ll end up with a portfolio of work and some new artsy friends. Not to mention a wealth of nude model stories.

Fraternities and sororities
This is a tricky subject and depends on the situation at your particular school, but for the most part, fraternities and sororities have run their course. Fellas, you can party just as hard with any pocket of rogue vagabonds blighting the campus; ladies, your whole hall can judge you into an eating disorder if you ask nicely enough. There’s no reason to pay dues to an organization for such privileges.
Try this instead: Improv. True, we advised against it before, but that was before we realized you were into frats. Do improv instead. It will make you more interesting than memorizing all of that ancient chapter lore bullshit, and just like a fraternity, your improv troupe will have to like you. They’ve got no one else either.

Even if you manage to avoid the aforementioned pitfalls, there are sure to be more slip-ups that you never anticipated. And that’s okay. The trick is to immediately quit whatever activity you’re participating in the instant you suspect it may be embarrassing or uncool. No one will judge you because everyone makes the same initial errors in social navigation. Simply move on, and never look back. Instead, look forward to the parties and unprotected sex and hungover breakfasts. That’s where all the best friends in college are made anyway.