Best “Big Ghost” (or Ghostfake Killah) Insults
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We here at The A.V. Club love Wu-Tang. We realize that’s sort of like saying you like The Beatles—it’s pretty much a given—but we really love Wu-Tang. When we’re not reminiscing about ODB or blasting nerdy mash-up albums, we’re usually scouring the Internet for more Ghostface Killah material. This does affect productivity—snark doesn’t write itself, as the giant plaque in our office says—but we can’t help it, dude is hilarious. Case in points: his Twitter, 30 Rock appearances, and this amazingly quotable tirade (“the best soap from the heavens above—that’s Dove”):
Unfortunately, Mr. Starks has more important things to do than entertain us, so when we’re really in need of a fix, we go to the next best thing: Big Ghost Chronicles.
For those the uninitiated, earlier this year, someone created a blog supposedly run by Ghostface opining on the state of hip-hop, reviewing albums, and (mostly) making fun of other rappers. Nobody knows who actually runs the site, but whoever it is, he or she certainly did their research, because it’s almost impossible to read a post without hearing Ghostface’s voice in your head, and the self-nicknames Ghostfake comes up with—Phantom Raviolis, Cocaine Biceps, The Black Bolo Yeung—are something beautiful to behold. The blog has gotten so popular, it’s caught the attention of the real Pretty Toney (“I mean it is what it is and shit”).
So to celebrate Wu-Tang’s show at The Rave Jan. 6, and the fact we can talk about what is essentially Ghostface fan-fiction and still be doing work, here’s our five favorite insults from the anonymous genius behind the site. [To preserve the unique diction and prose of Big Ghost, we will keep any and all misspellings, punctuation, etc. intact. Not doing so would be a literary travesty on par with adding emoticons to Leaves Of Grass, or the word “adorkable” to Siddhartha. Purists, just imagine a big [sic] inscribed over the entirety of this article.—ed.]
Target: Asher Roth
Insult: “This nigga is human baby powder in the flesh son.”
MC Asher Roth came out of nowhere with his single “I Love College” in early 2009, and because kids like beer pong, the song became a hit. At first, everyone hyped him to be the next big thing, but he entered “fuck that guy!” territory soon thereafter. To his credit, Roth didn’t pretend to be something he wasn’t; even Big Ghost gives him props for “stayin true to his own crackerjack self n shit” but “he got custard in his heart son.” Of course, it’s pretty easy to knock a white MC with red hair; unfortunately for Asher Roth, it’s still funny.
Target: Lil’ Kim
Insult: “Ayo Kim ya groin be lookin like a dead trout namsayin!”
You’d think that by now Lil’ Kim would have learned to wear underwear in public. We aren’t going to link because the photo is super-NSFW and potentially scarring, and Big Ghost paints a better-than-life picture, anyway:
“It be lookin like a bear wit its eyes closed n shit. The shit look like a candy bar that got left in a car wit the windows up on a hot day n shit … The shit look like ya hand when you be doin a shadow puppet for a duck n shit nahmean.”
This one’s a little harsh; even Volcano Hands warns “if she offended ayo she gon have to pardon the god namsayin.” If it was just a regular person saying this stuff, it probably wouldn’t be funny—but when it’s “Ghostface”? Somehow, it works.
Target: Chris Brown
Insult: “Young Ike Turner”
Readers of this site can probably all agree at this point that Chris Brown is a terrible person. He was convicted of domestic assault for beating his then-girlfriend Rhianna, yet somehow still does songs with Justin Bieber and still no one complains. (And folks are upset because the Muppets are Communist?) When you can dance, the world is your oyster, we suppose. Lucky for us, the Wizard Of Poetry doesn’t forget, and claims that Chris Brown “looks like he closes his eyes when he brushes his teeth nahmean,” one of his strangest, yet most hilarious, insults. Big Ghost doesn’t even waste that much time talking about Brown, finally exclaiming “get this pantyhose hearted nigga out my site b.”
Target: Ghostface Killah
Insult: “I gotta hit the Source, I need my other half a mic...”
In one of his best moments, The Hands Of Zeus even criticizes himself, sort of. This post contains Big Ghost’s interview with “the muthafuckin president,” Barack Obama—although the commander in chief doesn’t get to say a lot, especially after Raekwon supposedly arrives and doesn’t believe it’s actually Obama on the phone. The whole piece is hysterical, but the best part comes when Ghost and friends, including Alvin “from the barber shop takin down notes n shit,” ask Obama what hip-hop he listens to, which brings up some old wounds about a review in The Source magazine:
Ghostface: Ayo you fucks wit any Wu shit though?
Obama: Well, I can't honestly say...
Ghostface: Right, but you aint heard 36 Chambers? CubanLinx? Liquid Swords? Tical?
Obama: I mean, I'm not entirely familiar with all...
Ghostface: What about my joints? Pretty Toney, Ironman, Supreme Clientele?
Trife: 5 mics, nigga.
Ghostface: Nah nigga. Ya know they robbed a nigga wit that. They gave the Supreme Clientele joint 4-1/2 n shit. Like they aint think a nigga earned that last half...
Alvin: Some of the skits was kinda long maybe...
Insult: “…I mean son probably got a nursery at his crib where he helps orphaned animals all the time son.”
Thor Molecules really doesn’t like Drake. About 60 percent of Big Ghost Chronicles is dedicated to ripping the former Degrassi: The Next Generation actor apart. Mercilessly. We actually considered doing this article just on Drake insults, because there are so many great ones to choose from. From calling him the “The Kitten Whisperer” to claiming “the niggas heart got a ponytail,” Big Ghost seems to blame everything that’s bad about the current state of hip-hop on him. This chunk from a June 1 post is Toney’s most rabid moment of criticism, and arguably his funniest:
“But if somebody asked me ayo Tone you think this nigga ever caught snowflakes on his tongue before? I would say yeah. Absolutely yo. If somebody asked me ayo Tone you think that if we was watchin figure skatin wit that nigga Aubrey that he could tell niggas the difference between a triple toe loop n a triple lutz? Again yo I gotta say no doubt pa. That aint the types a shit that the average nigga be knowin but I think that son can definitely tell the difference g. If somebody asked ayo Toney you think this nigga ever nursed a insect or small rodent back to health? Word is bond yo I gotta say hell yeah g. Probably jus yesterday even.”