Charlie Sykes would like to remind you that America is doomed and that his latest book is still available on Amazon
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Like many conservatives who thought running a guy named “Mitt” against a standing president was a good idea, Milwaukee media mogul Charlie Sykes hasn’t been taking the results of Tuesday’s election well. Instead of whooping it up, Stonecutters-style, with his fellow neo-cons at the nearest Applebee’s, Sykes has spent the past 24 hours dutifully trudging through each stage of the popular Kübler-Ross “5 Stages Of Grief”: Denial (“Has FOXNews even mention [sic] the fact that Obama is losing the national popular vote by two percentage points? Just sayin. #nomandate”); Anger (“Ever wondered what a second term for Jimmy Carter would’ve been like? We’re about to find out.”); Bargaining (“I know it doesn’t count, but Mitt Romney continues to lead in the popular vote. May have a split verdict tonight.”); Depression (“So what was your best memory of America?”); and Acceptance (“I was not just wrong about the Wisconsin Pres/Senate results, I was awesomely wrong.”)
But being the astute businessman that he is, Sykes has added another stage to the Kübler-Ross model: Plugging. With President Obama guaranteed four more years of nefarious power and the country surely on the brink of death-by-whelping-welfare-babies, there’s no better time to pick up a copy of A Nation Of Moochers: America’s Addiction To Getting Something For Nothing, by Charlie—er, excuse us, Charles—Sykes. (Available now on Amazon.com) Yes, Sykes has been incessantly plugging Moochers on his Twitter feed and 620 WTMJ blog, humble-bragging that he “should have seen this coming. After all, I wrote the book that essentially predicted that we are rapidly becoming a nation with more takers than makers.”
So what can readers find in this eerily prophetic book? How about a handy checklist of signs that you might be a moocher:
• Are you over 21 and living at your mother’s house?
• Have taxpayers bought you breakfast, a car, or a house in the last few years? (Please include tax credits for clunkers, electric cars, and new home purchases.)
• Do you routinely get something for nothing?
• Are you an able-bodied, childless adult, who spends his/her day playing Guitar Hero, watching The View, or surfing the net while your spouse works to support you?
If you answered yes to any of the above, the chances are quite good that you are a citizen of moocher nation.
Yes, the grim “something-for-nothing” future is here, as predicted by one Charlie Sykes and a list of “You might be a redneck”-esque zingers. Tremble and weep at Sykes’ searing omnipotence, say goodbye to the America you knew and loved, and remember that the Kindle edition of Moochers is only $12.99.