Don’t put this on your mix-tape: 9 sexy songs that definitely won’t lead to sex this Valentine’s Day
1. Enrique Iglesias, “Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You)”
Sample lyric: “Here’s the situation: Been to every nation, nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do / You know my motivation, given my reputation, please excuse I don’t mean to be rude / but tonight I’m fucking you.”
Possible motivation for including it on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: There’s a small voice in your head that says “Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You)” will totally work in a “I’m joking! But not really!” sort of way.
Why it won’t get you laid: Are you looking to “ironically” have sex, or enjoy genuine “no kidding around” sex? That’s what we thought. Stating your romantic intentions in the bluntest, most vulgar language imaginable isn’t funny; it’s just icky. Nobody is going to excuse you—much less fuck you—for being that rude.
2. Usher, “Trading Places”
Sample lyric: “Now we gonna do this thing a little different tonight / You gonna come over and pick me up in your ride / You gonna knock, and then you gonna wait / You gonna take me on a date.”
Possible motivation for including it on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: It’s about spicing things up in the bedroom by switching gender roles. Hot, right?
Why it won’t get you laid: Actually, Usher’s account of doing things differently just makes his usual moves sound terribly dull: “I’m always on the top / Tonight I’m on the bottom.” Really? Always? That’s just the chorus—the verses outline his less-than-sexy fantasies about her taking out the trash and buying him things. On top of all that, the song also reminds us of Dan Aykroyd as a drunken, filthy Santa.
3. Next, “Too Close”
Sample lyric: “Step back, you’re dancing kinda close / I feel a little poke coming through / On you / Now girl I know you felt it / but boo you know I can’t help it / You know what I wanna do.”
Possible motivation for including on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: It’s about sexy dancing, so it could set the mood for some romancin’. Plus, throwback hits get half-drunk girls up and dancing.
Why it won’t get you laid: “Baby, come on, please—I have a boner” doesn’t drop a lot of panties. Nor does referring to one’s erection as a “little poke.” At least call it a “big poke,” right?
4. R. Kelly featuring Tyrese, Robin Thicke, and The-Dream, “Pregnant”
Sample lyric: “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant / Lay your body down and get you pregnant / Knock you up, pregnant.”
Possible motivation for including on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: The idea of the R&B dream team of Kelly, Thicke, and Tyrese is pretty damn promising. If they can’t lay down the woo, no one can.
Why it won’t get you laid: Ignoring the fact that Kelly is pretty much a huge creep, anyone sing-speaking the word “pregnant” over and over isn’t going to get anyone in the mood—at least anyone who’s not looking to actually get pregnant.
5. Say Anything, “Alive With The Glory Of Love”
Sample lyric: “But Miss Black Eyeliner / You’d look finer / With each day in hiding / Oh yeah / Beneath the wormwood / Oooh love me so good / They won’t hear us screw away the day.”
Possible motivation for including it on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: It’s a passionate, emotional song about the power of love.
Why it won’t get you laid: It’s a passionate, emotional song about love that also happens to be about surviving the Holocaust. Juxtaposing romantic rapture with genocide may work within the song’s narrative, but chances are “Treblinka” isn’t the name you want to hear repeated in the bedroom.
6. Built To Spill, “Fling”
Sample lyric: “Since my fling with you, time went from popping off three times a day to popping off three times a week / and it takes me a long time to come to the memory of us.”
Possible motivation for including it on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: On the surface, “Fling” is a sweet, two-and-a-half-minute acoustic song about the physical act of love.
Why it won’t get you laid: The words “popping off” don’t belong on a romantic mix-tape addressed to another person. So, unless you’re content pleasuring yourself, find another indie-rock song to fill the Garden State slot on your lovers’ compilation.
7. Ludacris featuring Sandy Coffee, “Splash Waterfalls”
Sample lyric: “Follow this dick-tionary, you’re both some visionaries / Then do it missionary / Say it (Make love to me) / I hear ’em call da wild, and do it all the while / Doggy and froggy style / What? (Fuck me).”
Possible motivation for including it on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: You’re hoping this Valentine’s Day will put both the “dirty” and “south” in “Dirty South.” (Painfully obvious wink, painfully obvious wink.)
Why it won’t get you laid: “Splash Waterfalls” seems like the perfect choice for striking the balance between tender and kinky—until Luda conjures an image of cartoon shark Jabberjaw. If you’re really looking to make the bedroom feel like Atlanta in the middle of July, stop beating around the Hanna-Barbera bush and go with “What’s Your Fantasy?” instead.
8. Bulletboys, “Smooth Up In Ya”
9. George Michael, “I Want Your Sex”
Sample lyric: “What’s your definition of dirty, baby? / What do you consider pornography? / Don’t you know I love it ’til it hurts me, baby? / Don’t you think it’s time you had sex with me?”
Possible motivation for including it on a Valentine’s Day mix-tape: Misplaced ’80s nostalgia, a complete misunderstanding of the concept of “sexy,” and/or a desperate signal to the world you need to update your music collection.
Why it won’t get you laid: Let us count the reasons! It’s utterly crass and juvenile. It’s almost 25 years past its expiration date, it wasn’t cool to begin with, and it’s aged terribly. Oh, and there’s the whole issue of context—ever since George Michael got arrested for cruising dudes in restrooms, using his music as a come-on is the equivalent of telling someone, “Hi, I’m a total skeeve and will likely give you many, many venereal diseases.”