Erin go braless! 4 St. Patrick's Day destinations with questionable ties to the holiday

On March 17, Irish and non-Irish bars alike will open their doors at 6 a.m. to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, offering up countless holiday promotions in the process. The quality and authenticity of these events can vary wildly—on one hand, County Clare is featuring the Irish music of Frogwater and Ian Gould; on the other, The Bomb Shelter is giving away free boxes of Lucky Charms to its first 30 customers.

But what if you want to avoid the madness altogether? What if your idea of the perfect St. Patty's hot spot is one that's off the beaten path and vomit-free? Ever the lone Irish wolves, The A.V. Club scouts out four of these unlikely locations and reveals their sometimes hidden, sometimes tenuous ties to the holiday.

1. The Shops Of Grand Avenue (275 W. Wisconsin Ave., 414-224-0655)
Without a doubt, the high point of St. Patrick’s Day in Milwaukee is the Shamrock Club of Wisconsin's annual downtown parade, even if it takes place four days earlier on March 13. More than 140 floats, bagpipe players, and waving TV weathermen will make their way down Wisconsin Avenue, celebrating both the holiday and the parade's 44th year. Before things get started, however, the always lovable, always empty Grand Avenue Mall is providing some entertainment of its own. Milwaukee Celtic rock band Reilly will perform in the Center Court at 10:30 a.m., which no doubt will be the most action the mall has seen since the re-opening of Panda Express. After the show, fans can enjoy a perfect view of the parade from outside the Grand’s main entrance, though those with an aversion to excitement, crowds, and name-brand stores can always opt to stay inside. 

2. On The Border Gentlemen’s Club (10741 S. 27th St., 414-761-6440)
At some point during the last 10 years, the phrase "Erin go braless" has managed to worm its way into popular culture. A takeoff on the traditional Irish phrase "Erin Go Bragh"–roughly translated to “Ireland forever”–the slogan has come to represent all that is boorish and icky about St. Patrick's Day. So what better way to celebrate than with a bunch of naked ladies? Franklin's On the Border may be offering little in the way of St. Patty's-themed events, though you can still feel the luck o' the Irish every time you pull another green dollar bill from your wallet. For those looking to spice up their holiday with a little star power, OTB is certainly the place to be. The featured dancer for the week of March 17 is the decidedly non-Irish porn actress Christina Aguchi, star of such watershed films as Asian Fever Fortune Cookies and Tales From The Teaseatorium 3.

3. Polish Falcon's Nest (801 E. Clarke St., 414-264-0680)
Riverwest's venerable Polish Falcon is known for a lot of things: a turn of the century (as in early 1900s) bowling alley, diverse clientele, and a loud television set that's always tuned to TNT. And while the brightly lit old-man bar may not exactly be known for its St. Patrick's Day revelry, it has more in common with the Irish holiday than you might think. Since joining the European Union in 2004, the Polish have become Ireland's largest minority–some 200,000 Poles now call the island home. Both countries are largely Catholic, and both share a history of occupation. If you happen to find yourself celebrating St. Patty's Day at the Falcon, feel free to share these fun facts with your friends, though only if you can convince the regulars to turn down the volume on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

4. Bradford Beach
Milwaukee set a record last St. Patty’s Day when the temperature topped 75 degrees. Not surprisingly, the entire city went ape shit. Even the normally desolate Bradford Beach got in on the action—by noon, the beach was filled with Frisbees, volleyball nets, and swimmers in search of holiday-green staph infections. While the chances of a repeat warm-weather performance are slim, Bradford Beach still makes for an apropos St. Patrick’s Day destination. Lake Michigan is home to Beaver Island, dubbed "America's Emerald Isle" due to its residents’ strong Irish backgrounds. Sure, the island may be more than 600 miles away, and sure, it may technically be a part of Michigan, but on a day when everyone is Irish, a little creative thinking—and celebrating—never hurt.