Hearts and parts: Sleazy Valentine's treats
Because chocolate in a box is far too subtle
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If you haven’t considered giving your sweetheart a 7-inch chocolate penis for Valentine’s Day, you’re probably not alone. But considering the holiday is a meaningless sham created by greeting-card companies and candy manufacturers to peddle sentimental crap to couples, you may just want to reevaluate your approach. After all, nothing says, “I think you’re saccharine and entirely worthy of my sexiness” quite like a genital-shaped confection. Some may call it obscene, but it’s also the most effective way to show your partner a more playful side of yourself—even if that side has a middle-school sense of humor and a complete lack of tact. In honor of Valentine’s Day, Decider rounded up some crude confections that might be entirely tasteless if they weren’t so sweet.
Candy Penis Bouquet ($4.00)
If you want to give your sugarplum a more traditional sweet, but don’t want to lose that phallic edge—and you want it to be edible, of course—the Candy Penis Bouquet is a perfect choice. Not only will you be celebrating the time-honored tradition of giving flowers on Valentine’s Day, you’ll be saying, “How about a nice batch of tasty, multi-flavored penises, my dear?” If that doesn’t send the baby-making dance into a full-on boogie, nothing will.
If you want to give your sugarplum a more traditional sweet, but don’t want to lose that phallic edge—and you want it to be edible, of course—the Candy Penis Bouquet is a perfect choice. Not only will you be celebrating the time-honored tradition of giving flowers on Valentine’s Day, you’ll be saying, “How about a nice batch of tasty, multi-flavored penises, my dear?” If that doesn’t send the baby-making dance into a full-on boogie, nothing will.
Gummy Handcuffs ($6.48)
These aren’t your kids’ cops-and-robbers play-cuffs, as it specifically says “Erotic Treats,” on the package. Putting your loved one in candy restraints is kind of like having a tasty safe word. When the bondage starts to hurt, just start chomping away. Of course, you could also put the fruit-flavored restraints around your partner’s ankles if you want to see how flexible he/she is when it comes time to eat them off.
These aren’t your kids’ cops-and-robbers play-cuffs, as it specifically says “Erotic Treats,” on the package. Putting your loved one in candy restraints is kind of like having a tasty safe word. When the bondage starts to hurt, just start chomping away. Of course, you could also put the fruit-flavored restraints around your partner’s ankles if you want to see how flexible he/she is when it comes time to eat them off.
Jizzie Lizzie ($7.25)
Some naughty candies are so audaciously distasteful they defy logical explanation. The Jizzie Lizzie is such a product. It’s a dark chocolate vagina drizzled with white chocolate that’s supposed to depict, uh, the fruition of the male orgasm. There’s no reason to give this to another human being on Valentine’s Day, unless you’re looking for a bizarre way to alienate someone.
Some naughty candies are so audaciously distasteful they defy logical explanation. The Jizzie Lizzie is such a product. It’s a dark chocolate vagina drizzled with white chocolate that’s supposed to depict, uh, the fruition of the male orgasm. There’s no reason to give this to another human being on Valentine’s Day, unless you’re looking for a bizarre way to alienate someone.
Strip Chocolate Checkers ($24.99)
Have you ever been playing a game of checkers and said to your opponent, “You know, this would be much better if we were naked and eating chocolate”? If so, you’ve definitely found your Valentine’s Day gift. Strip Chocolate Checkers replaces the traditionally black and red discs with black and white chocolate, and every time you lose one of your checkers you lose an article of clothing. Hopefully by the time you get bored of playing this version, they’ll come out with another adult-themed game that inexplicably lumps a trio of random things together, like Crotchless Pez Monopoly.
Have you ever been playing a game of checkers and said to your opponent, “You know, this would be much better if we were naked and eating chocolate”? If so, you’ve definitely found your Valentine’s Day gift. Strip Chocolate Checkers replaces the traditionally black and red discs with black and white chocolate, and every time you lose one of your checkers you lose an article of clothing. Hopefully by the time you get bored of playing this version, they’ll come out with another adult-themed game that inexplicably lumps a trio of random things together, like Crotchless Pez Monopoly.
Succulent Hard Willies and Succulent Fruity Boobs ($9.99)
If this product doesn’t have anything else going for it—and it doesn’t—at least it has a couple giggle-inducing words in its name. Of course it’s important to keep in mind that these candy treats are neither romantic nor comical. In fact, you’d be better off skipping these, getting a bag of non-succulent, innocuously shaped Skittles, and spending the night alone.
If this product doesn’t have anything else going for it—and it doesn’t—at least it has a couple giggle-inducing words in its name. Of course it’s important to keep in mind that these candy treats are neither romantic nor comical. In fact, you’d be better off skipping these, getting a bag of non-succulent, innocuously shaped Skittles, and spending the night alone.
Bottom’s Up! Lollipop ($3.25)
Under what possible circumstances would you be comfortable licking an ass on a stick? It seems like at some point you’d look down at that chocolate-shaped derriere, smack yourself on the side of the head, and say, “Holy crap, I’m easily amused.” If you’re looking for a little perspective—and absolutely no meaningful companionship—this Valentine’s Day, it will only cost you $3.25 a pop.
Under what possible circumstances would you be comfortable licking an ass on a stick? It seems like at some point you’d look down at that chocolate-shaped derriere, smack yourself on the side of the head, and say, “Holy crap, I’m easily amused.” If you’re looking for a little perspective—and absolutely no meaningful companionship—this Valentine’s Day, it will only cost you $3.25 a pop.
