Hunting down bizarre bargains at 7 Mile Fair

Seven Mile Fair in Caledonia wasn't a grab bag of retail weirdness when it started in 1961. It was more like a farmers' market. Trucks loaded with ducklings, chicks, eggs, seasonal vegetables, and whatever else was popping out of the ground that week were lined up in a field along Seven Mile Road in Racine County, about 20 minutes south of downtown Milwaukee. There'd be rummage, too, and the farmers and vendors came week after week to exchange products and make a buck. By the '80s, it had become a flea market where you could load up on cheap six-packs of tube socks, power adapters, and toy soldiers from hundreds of outdoor vendors.

Today, you can still get all that stuff, but there's a new feel to the fair. You can pick up a ShamWow (after watching a live demonstration, no less), your choice of cell phone faceplates, and a Japanese slot machine all in one afternoon. Then you can have a quick meal of pizza, roasted corn, menudo, or hot dogs. We are always looking for a bargain, so Decider recently drove south for our weirdest shopping trip ever.

John Wayne Toilet Paper ($1)

We thought $1 was a fair price, considering it’s John Wayne and all, but then we took a closer look. Turns out “it’s rough, it’s tough, and it doesn't take crap off anyone.” You know, just like ol’ Duke.

Giant golden piggy bank of uncertain lead content ($30)

The price on this pockmarked pig, standing so proudly atop the wire shelving, was apparently something the vendor needed to consider. In the end, we must have looked willing to shell out 30 bucks. A sign clothes-pinned near the pig read, “You break, you buy!” We wondered what the price would have been had we broken the pig.

Puppies ($400-$600)

Who would buy a puppy at 7 Mile Fair? In the company of a grumpy Avon lady, the guys selling $75 first generation iMacs, and the racks of Hello Kitty dog tags, a table full of puppies just seemed wrong. (Oh, did we mention that Milwaukee Magazine reported earlier this year that 7 Mile Fair sells puppy mill pups? This picture just got a lot more depressing, didn't it?)

About this time it started getting stuffy in the Expo Building. We couldn’t look at any more stuffed animals, costume jewelry, or airbrushed sweatshirts. The heady mix of carnival foods—corn and candy—made the air too thick and sweet to be trapped inside. We pushed through a metal door and stepped into partial sunlight, where we were confronted by this:

Bras (4 for $10, sizes A-C, and 3 for $10, D cup)

A lonely vendor with a single table of carefully arranged, mostly padded, bras. It was almost art. There really wasn’t much else out here—maybe it’s too early in the season. We headed back inside.

Eye Exams ($29)

What is this country coming to when people are driven to seek out health care at 7 Mile Fair? Next we’ll be lining up for Pap smears at Summerfest.

Alligator Cowboy Boots ($600)

These boots repulsed us, then attracted us, and then repulsed us again. When we inquired about the price, the vendor—a tall, friendly man with a soothing voice—began describing them. “This is anaconda,” he said, slowly petting the bumpy skin of the boot. “This is crocodile.” Again, a slow caress of the boot. He continued, "This is armadillo. This is stingray. This is also crocodile." It was an entrancing mantra—maybe he was hypnotizing us. We badly wanted to want those boots. It was definitely time to leave.