Intersport rivalries perfect for the Milwaukee Brewers
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Thus commences another of round of manufactured rivalries and a renewed discussion of whether it’s totally bullshit to have a designated hitter, known in the MLB as interleague play. Before the Crew fires up its annual series with the Minnesota Twins this weekend, the time has come to dream up more interesting intersport rivalries fit for the Brewers, using shockingly irrelevant logic to determine ways the Crew could beat these teams at their own sports.
Without their big man Chris Bosh, the Miami Heat might seem vulnerable especially since the Brewers towers of power Corey Hart and Kameron Loe are still fully armed and operational. Then you remember that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade are still pretty tall. But, the Brewers have a secret weapon: Zack Greinke. After his DL stint last season with a cracked rib he endured on the court, everyone knew that Greinke goes hard. Factor in the fact that he’s from Orlando and most likely a Magic fan, and it seems logical that he’ll have an Florida-rivalry axe to grind and will probably fuck around, get a triple-double. Fourth-quarter James is no match for intensity like that.
St. Louis Blues
There are plenty of similarities between the Brewers and the St. Louis Blues (that’s a hockey team, in case you’re wondering): Both are from the Midwest, both are insanely successful in terms of attendance, and both are insanely unsuccessful in the playoffs. Not that it matters to noted hockey aficionado and Blues-hater Nyjer Morgan, whose team of choice, the San Jose Sharks, lost to the Blues in the playoffs earlier this year. Morgan dished out plenty of St. Louis trash-talk during the game via Twitter (he called the team the “Flus”), and he could probably go toe-to-toe with team captain David Backes. Backes may have a few inches and pounds on Morgan, but his backup team of shifty-eyed Canadians would be no match for Grade-A American shit-kickers like Hart and Travis Ishikawa.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If the Brewers were to compete with any NFL team in a game of football, it had better be against a team with a horrendous defense, like the 2011 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Against a team that coughed up the most rushing yards, the Crew could just keep running relatively big guys like Rickie Weeks and gain at least three yards per play while eating the clock. But the true reason for the rivalry would arrive as John Axford takes the field and reminds the Bucs of their shameful, sherbet-tinted past. The Ax Man is a spitting image for the fanciful pirate, a swashbuckler with knife gingerly placed between gleaming teeth, who once graced Tampa Bay’s helmets, and the indignity would render the team all but defeated.
Hey, remember when the Milwaukee Wave won its second consecutive MISL Championship this year? Of course you do. In many ways, the Brewers and the Wave are Milwaukee mirror opposites of each other: One is the biggest ticket in town, while the other barely manages to draw 5,000 people to its championship game. So maybe it’s a little unfair pitting the two teams against each other, especially when Ryan Braun has some back-in-the-day soccer experience. Still, the thought of Bob Uecker trading in his trademarked “Get up, get up, get outta here…” for a bellowing “GOAAAL!!!” is too delightful to pass up.