Jami vs. Magic: Before the Brewers-Dodgers series, a battle of celebrity owners
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The L.A. Dodgers got a major bailout when a group of investors bought the team this year for $2 billion, but perhaps even more precious than that butt-puckering sum of money is the fact that “Magic” Johnson is now part-owner of the team. Sure, he’s a great guy, and some of us could be jealous of the Dodgers’ new patron celebrity when the team comes through Miller Park next week, but don’t forget the Brewers still have Jami Gertz. Ehhh? So instead of pining over the star the Dodgers have behind their team, let’s pay some allegiance to the Brewers’ long-time part-owner, and look at the ways she’s mostly so much better than Magic.
Jami: Starred in a sitcom with Mark Addy a.k.a. King Robert Baratheon from Game Of Thrones
Magic: Never even had a sitcom
Winner: Jami. Everyone involved in HBO’s Game Of Thrones—with the exception of the dude who plays Joffrey—has now become a kajillion times more awesome. Addy’s sudden exponential increase in awesomeness can’t help but transfer to his old co-stars, like Gertz, who played his wife on Still Standing. The closest Magic ever got to a role on a sitcom is when he appeared as himself, playing hockey on Malcolm In The Middle. It’s possible that he absorbed some coolness from Bryan Cranston in the process, but it’s doubtful. One two-part episode is not enough time to gain the trust and respect of the Cranston.
Jami: Starred in 1987’s The Lost Boys
Magic: Wasn’t in the film, busy winning NBA championship in 1987
Winner: Jami. Sure, she wasn’t the most important person in the film—she probably ranks somewhere between Alex Winter and the sweaty saxophone dude—but she was a part of it nonetheless. She was the quintessential ’80s fox that The Lost Boys needed, and for that, we will never forget her. Of course, some people might argue that Magic skyhooking the Lakers over the Celtics in the NBA Finals was more important than any vampire movie. But let’s be honest, nobody’s rewatching that series every Halloween like they do with The Lost Boys. Magic only had the second best 1987 in this battle of baseball team owners.
Jami: Starred in Twister, which featured a Red Hot Chili Peppers song on the soundtrack
Magic: Was the obvious inspiration for Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Magic Johnson”
Winner: Magic. We’re going to have to give this one to M-A-G-I-C, mostly because “Magic Johnson”—from 1989’s Mother’s Milk—represents the Chili Peppers at their gonzo best. Long before the band was resigned to churning out MOR-friendly dreck like “The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie,” it was writing endearingly goofy ditties about Magic Johnson and the L.A. Lakers—a.k.a. the “fast break makers” and “kings of the court” who “shake and bake all takers.” “Magic Johnson” may not be a stone-cold early classic like “Knock Me Down,” but it sure as hell isn’t “Melancholy Mechanics,” a dull B-side that somehow ended up on the Twister soundtrack.
Jami: Has appeared on numerous talk shows over the years, including The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn in 2001
Magic: Hosted the short-lived The Magic Hour in 1998, which was somehow worse than The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn
Winner: Jami. Ms. Gertz is no stranger to the talk-show circuit, having chatted with everyone from Craig Kilborn to David Letterman. Johnson, on the other hand, is responsible for one of late night’s most notorious flops, second only to—shiver—The Chevy Chase Show. 1998’s The Magic Hour was intended to calm the then-tumultuous late night waters with Johnson’s easy-going, nice-guy persona, all with the help of a white comic sidekick and bandleader Shelia E. It didn’t work out that way. Critics panned Johnson for his awkward and overly-kiss-ass-y interviewing style. The show was quickly retooled, and the white comic sidekick was replaced by the decidedly not-white Tommy Davidson. It was too late: The Magic Hour would run for a mere four months.