John Mayer’s guide to picking up girls outside of a John Mayer concert
In the world of celebrity interviews, John Mayer’s instant classic with Playboy from early February was the equivalent of dousing yourself in gasoline and lighting a match. The soft-rocker's casual use of racist and homophobic epithets grabbed the headlines, but as is often the case with controversy, the bad overshadowed what was truly important about the interview. Playboy might've made Mayer look like an immature pig, but the fact remains that the 32-year-old singer-songwriter attracts women like his No. 1 hit song "Daughters" draws in wedding receptions. In advance of Mayer's concert March 1 at the Bradley Center, The A.V. Club scoured his Playboy interview for tips that Mayer wannabes can apply to picking up his female fans outside of the show. If Jennifer Aniston found this kind of stuff charming, maybe that 24-year-old data processor hanging out at Buckhead Saloon will, too.
1. “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”
The lesson: Unfortunately, scientists have not yet devised a way for men and their penises to carry on separate romantic relationships. It simply is not physically possible for any man, even a handsome, wealthy rock star like John Mayer. Until this changes, you’ll simply have to figure out what type of woman you like before you try picking anyone up. This will involve ignoring the fevered, possibly racist pleadings of your sexual organ, but will hopefully result in a more fulfilling connection.
2. “Sometimes they say, 'I’ve been warned about you.' But I can undo that in a couple of days. I have a line for that: ‘Keep your warning for a while; let’s take it slow.’”
The lesson: Let’s be frank: You’re not looking for Jennifer Aniston outside of a John Mayer concert; you’re seeking a slutty Jessica Simpson, a woman who, in the words of Mayer, you just want to “fuckin’ snort.” But since this is a “Your Body Is A Wonderland” crowd, you don’t want to come on all sleazy and shit. So, be sure to set her mind at ease about the fact that you’re only interested in having sex with her. In other words, lie like a college sophomore in the back of the tour bus.
3. “At this point, before I can have sex I need to know somebody. Unless she’s a 14 out of 10.”
The lesson: Yes, you’re trawling for babes outside of a sports arena. Yes, at best you’re setting yourself up for an emotionally empty and spiritually bankrupt experience. But this doesn’t mean you’re a shallow person. Along with ample breasts, supple buttocks, and long and luscious legs, you totally care what a woman, like, thinks, man. Therefore, make sure you get acquainted before fucking her—unless she happens to be really, really hot, because, really, who are we kidding here?
4. “When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say ‘No one’s ever done that to me in bed.’”
The lesson: It’s no use picking up a woman if you can’t bring some serious game to the bedroom. And there’s nothing more serious than making love to a woman with such skill, agility, and vigorousness that her ex-boyfriends simultaneously feel violated in their anal cavities as you reach the pinnacle of passion. It sounds gay, but we swear it’s not, dude.
5. “It’s all about geometry. I’m sort of a scientist; it’s about being obtuse with an angle. It’s sort of this weird up-and-over thing. You gotta think ‘up and over.’”
The lesson: You’re on your own here.