Let’s ignore the latest Ryan Braun scandal and listen to some awful Ryan Braun tribute songs instead
Not unlike an STD that may or may not require testosterone-elevating medication—but never mind, because there’s never been a personal medical issue, and we’ve never had an STD—the Ryan Braun PED scandal keeps popping up at inopportune times. Nearly one year to the date of Braun’s successful (and surprising) drug test appeal, the Brewers slugger is back in the juicing news. This time, Braun’s name has been found in the records of a Miami-based clinic linked to doling out performance-enhancing drugs to several high-profile baseball players, including Alex Rodriguez. Braun denies the guilt-by-association, of course, and claims that he and his lawyers only consulted the clinic during his previous appeal. Braun also denies that he is the father, because look at those eyes, Maury, look at those cheekbones! Those aren’t his!
So as Braun, Major League Baseball, the media, and the ghost of Bud Selig prepare to go into full “did-he-or-didn’t-he?” mode, we at The A.V. Club have decided to drown out the noise by listening to these awful Ryan Braun tribute songs. PED scandal? We’re not listening…we’re not listening...
“You’re My Deputy”
Sample lyric: “Suspensions last for so long / even for Ryan Braun / I know you’re not guilty / and soon the world will see / you’re my deputy / and you were meant for the Crew”
From the quietly brilliant YouTube artist who brought you the Doug-Melvin-singing-to-a-departing-Prince-Fielder tune “Slugger Like You” (a parody of Adele’s “Someone Like You”) comes the Doug-Melvin-singing-to-a-possibly-suspended-in-2012-Ryan-Braun tune “You’re My Deputy” (a parody of Jewel’s “You Were Meant For Me). Come for the music, stay for the gauzy pictures of the mustachioed Melvin.
Sample lyric: “All you do is win / I’m winning / It’s a dream come true and I’m excited about the position we’re in”
If there’s one good thing that can be said for the still-new year of 2013, it’s this: We haven’t had to endure many of those awful Auto-Tuned “mashup” videos. But back in 2011, the Internet was still enamored with this dubious art form, and was busy cranking out earworms like Braun-themed “Clutch Single.”
“Ryan Braun Remix (Feat. Anderson, Powell & Uecker)”
Sample lyric: “Alright, here we go with Ryan Braun / The pitch to him / Swing and a drive / Left center and deep / Get up / get outta here / gone for Ryan Braun”
This isn’t really an original Ryan Braun tribute song; instead, it’s simply Young Jeezy’s “Go Getta” with some play calls from Brian Anderson, Jim Powell, and Bob Uecker clumsily edited in during the verses.
“Ryan Braun Not Guilty Song”
Sample lyric: “His initials are R and B / but I call him Braun-y / He doesn’t have an STD / and that verdit is not guilty”
Short but sweet, the “Ryan Braun Not Guilty Song” was written in the flush of Braun’s first kinda-sorta vindication. Here’s hoping an equally dashed-off sequel will be required in the weeks to come.