Little rascals: What the f*ck is wrong with the UW-Milwaukee Student Association?
If the Spider-Man franchise has taught us anything (other than the fact that Kirsten Dunst looks nice in the rain), it’s that with great power comes great responsibility. But if the University Of Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s Student Association has taught us anything, it’s that with little power comes great opportunity for theft, sexual harassment, blackmail, and corruption. Oh, and corruption.
Since time immemorial, the UWM SA has been a magnet for the school’s sketchiest students, serving as a proving ground for future corrupt businessman, ethically challenged campaign managers, and potential infomercial pitchmen and pitchwomen. In-fighting and bizarre power grabs have been the norm within the SA, made all the more delightful by the fact that the organization has about as much pull as a junior-high student council. With a new semester well underway—accompanied, as always, by promises to clean up the SA—The A.V. Club looks back at the dysfunctional student group’s most recent crimes and misdemeanors.
Sexual assault
College can be a confusing time, filled with raging hormones, booze, and precious little common sense. Add a bunch of pretend politicians playing dress-up to the mix, and you’ve got trouble. Back in November 2011, then-SA Vice President Brent Johnson was arrested after a female former SA senator went to police with a story involving heavy drinking, an unwanted potential threesome, an MGMT song played on repeat (ugh), and, tellingly, Johnson’s Mad Men-themed 21st birthday party. Charges were never filed, though the victim was later granted a two-year restraining order against the VP. Johnson quickly tendered a resignation letter, which contained this adorably noble statement:
“The value and urgency of the initiatives that the Student Association is currently undertaking demand personal sacrifice. I maintain allegiance to the best interest of my fellow students. This, even at risk of misinterpretation of my motives, leads me to the conclusion that my resignation will help return some semblance of normalcy to the student body.”
Quick, what’s funnier: SA initiatives having “value and urgency” (one of the group’s biggest responsibilities is deciding whether or not to book Girl Talk again for the annual Pantherfest), or the idea that an accused sleazeball serving as vice president would somehow challenge the organization’s “normalcy”?
Hazing, stuffed weasel-theft
A mere day after Johnson was arrested, the university launched an investigation into the SA as a whole, stemming from charges of alcohol in the SA offices, fostering a hostile work environment, and, of course, stealing a pair of stuffed weasels. A fellow SA senator accused Johnson of the hazing incident, and claimed he was tricked into taking a shot of Everclear while in the SA offices. After the flummoxed senator threw up, Johnson allegedly offered him a glass of water. In a brilliant bit of misdirection that would make David Copperfield blush, that water was replaced with—wait for it—more Everclear.
As for the all-too-appropriate weasel-stealing incident, then-SA President Alex Kostal was accused of making off with the furry varmints while at the totally legit-sounding Center For Volunteerism And Student Leadership Conference at Camp Minikani in Hubertis, Wisconsin. No charges were filed, though the nation’s 12-year-olds at summer camp called and demanded their prank back.
The weasels in question
Love and theft
Forever nipping at the heels of the SA has been the UWM Post, an oft-readable student newspaper that seems to take particular glee in cataloguing the SA’s many misdeeds. (And why not?) The two have long enjoyed a symbiotic relationship, though an incident last October threatened to sour the love affair forever. Following the publication of a Post editorial criticizing the SA’s misguided “Brighten The Night” event, Kostal and then-Senate Oversight And Rules Committee Vice Chairman David Sidhu allegedly oversaw the theft of approximately 800 copies of the paper. Even better, the duo dubbed their raid—we shit you not—“Operation Boston Tea Party.”
The future
Following a scandal-riddled semester and a hilarious fall from grace, Kostal did what any self-respecting faux-politician would do: He resigned from his post and announced plans to join the National Guard. (Seriously.) As for the SA, newly installed leaders have promised more accountability and professionalism from the gussied-up prom committee, and they are on the lookout for a few good men and women to join them. A back-page recruitment ad in a recent UWM Post even lists the group’s formidable powers: “Whether it is to increase on-campus parking, determine department budgets, allocate funds to student organizations, or decide which performers should come to Pantherfest, members of the SA have a seat at the table.” Indeed.
