Locust Street Festival (special concealed carry edition)
As you may have heard, the next few days will find Gov. Scott Walker signing a “concealed carry” bill into law, finally giving hard working Wisconsinites the opportunity to strut around with loaded weapons shoved down their pants. (Just like in the movies!) We at The A.V. Club couldn’t be more thrilled with this important job-creating bill, and look forward to the day when every God-fearing, law-abiding citizen is nothing more than a ticking time bomb.
But it gets better. According to the bill, while individual businesses can prohibit guns, public parks and non-gated outdoor festivals cannot. That got us thinking: What would the recent Locust Street Festival have been like with the bill in place? To answer that question, we present a re-run of our Locust Street Fest recap, re-imagined with more guns. (Think of it like those Special Editions of Star Wars, except with Greedo, Han, Luke, Chewie, Leia, and Uncle Owen shooting first.)
1:31 p.m.: Magnetic Minds’ supercharged two-piece fuzz-bass-rock at the Lakefront Brewery Stage is making us crave a beer for some reason. Good thing we’re packing!
1:32 p.m.: Well, hello there, Lakefront beer tent! Don’t mind if we do. At $3.75 a cup, the temptation to smuggle in booze from home and risk the $500 fine is much easier to resist than at, say, Summerfest. Also, you can’t carry a concealed weapon at Summerfest because it’s a “gated festival.” What is this, communist China?
1:40 p.m.: We don’t get many chances to drink on the street while thumbing through crates of vinyl (or thumbing the hammers of our guns), so we’ll take this opportunity.
1:51 p.m.: An unbilled acoustic guitar trio belts out Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” from the Locust Street curb. Summer has officially arrived. (Shots fired.)
1:57 p.m.: The obligatory drum circle on Bremen Street actually features a trumpeter this year. Instant credibility. (More shots fired!)
2:11 p.m.: Undercover Organism gets a late start at the Riverwest Public House Stage, but a sizable crowd has gathered to bob and sway lazily. In case the dancing skeletons and lack of firepower didn’t give it away, this is a jam band.
2:15 p.m.: There are booths for Tai Chi, Christianity, Scientology, and Chiropractic all within a one-block radius. This seems like a disaster waiting to happen, but it’s been a very peaceful festival as far as we can tell. Good thing 75 percent of the crowd is armed, or this thing could get ugly.
2:22 p.m.: Ahab’s Ghost is as shaggy sonically as the band members are visually, bringing to mind a more garage-y rebirth of S.O.D. We don’t see any devil horns and/or firearms held aloft—has the phenomenon died with Ronnie James Dio?
2:35 p.m.: D’oh! A set-time switch at the Wisconsin Veteran’s Stage results in God’s Outlaw going on early, and we missed ’em. A perfect time to reload.
2:45 p.m.: A one-handed juggling act is impressive enough, but when the other hand is playing saxophone, you’ve got a real shot at street-performer notoriety. Speaking of shots and notoriety…
3:07 p.m.: The self- and audience-deprecating humor of Crappy Dracula is causing rampant outbursts of laughter and gunfire among the crowd. This is easily the most straight-up entertaining set of the day.
3:35 p.m.: The Draculas finish up with “Free Wi Fi,” a song that extols the virtues of Internet-equipped funeral homes. For what it’s worth, our Internet connections have been buggy all day. Ditto the safeties on our TEC-9s.
3:59 p.m.: Just before Crooked Keys come on, a band member’s brother is sticking up passersby near Linneman’s to check out the band. “Hey, you like good music, right?” is his pitch. We must say we’re very impressed with his Walther PP. (That’s James Bond’s gun!)
4:30 p.m.: Remember this name: Space Collector. The new-ish metal band is killing it. (Get it?)
4:49 p.m.: Inside Linneman’s, No Sleep For The Bear plays to a crowd that’s at least half in line for the bathroom. Despite a couple of guitar strap malfunctions and a shirtless-corduroy-jacketed bass player, the band puts on an enjoyable set. The “No Guns Allowed” signs plastered throughout the bar are a nice touch.
5:45 p.m.: Three words: pugs, pugs, pugs. Three more words: pugs with guns!
6:00 p.m.: Linneman’s is absolutely packed (and packing) for The Fatty Acids. Also: Heidi Spencer is bartending. This is why Milwaukee rules. Thank you, Gov. Walker.
6:46 p.m.: You know the evening is winding down when the east end of Locust is mostly cluttered with Steve Miller covers, Pink Floyd covers, and spent shell casings.
7:23 p.m.: To close out the night in style, Juniper Tar plays a killer hour-long set on Pierce Street. Judging by Aaron Schleicher’s Red Sparowes T-shirt and a couple of intense noise jams, the band is veering toward heavier and more interesting territory, but the key is still those lush, three-part harmonies. Don’t take ’em for granted, Milwaukee. Boom! Boom! Yee-haw!
