Man up, Bernie: 4 things Miller Park Drunk demands to be improved at Miller Park
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We occasionally ask one of our favorite Brewers bloggers, Miller Park Drunk, to share his cranky opinions about the team on The A.V. Club. We apologize in advance for the mom jokes.
The trade deadline has come and gone, but it’s not over because the “deadline” isn’t actually a deadline at all. There will plenty of trades until September, when the real deadline passes, at which point you can expect the Brewers to consist of Ryan Braun, Yovani Gallardo, Trevor Hoffman, and a can of creamed corn. Much like chlamydia, baseball players come and go; I’ve learned to accept it, and so has your mom.
While the Brewers are trying to improve the team on the field, I think Miller Park needs a little help, too. We could probably come up with hundreds of things that we’d like to see improved upon. (Did you know they stop selling beer in the seventh inning? What’s up with that?) But just like you can’t turn over all 25 players in a season, you can’t change the whole stadium all at once either. That’s why I’d like them to start with these four things.
1. For God’s sake, let the chorizo win the sausage race
Everyone has their favorite sausage racer, but c’mon, chorizo is the most popular. Look at his hat! Is it made of tortilla chips? Is the top filled with cheese? I just want to eat him, even though I know his spiciness will inevitably give me heartburn and send me racing to the bathroom. Despite the massive hard-on that the Miller Park collective carries for the hombre, chorizo never seems to win. It's always hot dog this, or Polish that. That’s some serious sausage racism—sausage-ism?—that must be rectified. (Say, where do you find chorizos at Miller Park anyway? You don’t know, either? Does anyone? It’s the one sausage you can never seem to find at concession stands.)
2. Get a decent air conditioner
Have you ever been to a game when it starts to rain and they close the roof and the panels? Have you ever spent a week in hell in the middle of July? Trust me, it’s the same experience. You sweat until you stop sweating sweat and begin sweating Stadium Sauce. It’s what attending a game inside of Prince Fielder’s jockstrap must feel like. Would it kill the Brewers to pop on the A/C? If I wanted to sweat this much and be uncomfortable, I’d get a job as a hot girl working with Brett Favre.
3. Tell Bernie Brewer to sit down and watch the game
Between his constant smiling, his terrible dancing, and his general lackadaisical attitude toward the game, it’s pretty clear how Bernie Brewer views the Brewers: It doesn’t matter if they win or lose as long as you have a good time. That does not fly with me. I go to Brewers games to see the Brewers win, period. If they lose, I am upset and he should be, too. It’s time to grow a pair and start giving a crap about the outcomes, Bernie. Man up.
4. Get a decent DJ
Here’s a list of some of the songs that play during a typical game at Miller Park:
- “Hangin’ Tough” by New Kids On The Block
- “Kick Start My Heart” by Mötley Crüe
- “I Like To Move It” by Reel 2 Real
- “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex
- “The Cha Cha Slide” by Mr. C The Slide Man
Is Miller Park’s music programmed by the world’s hackiest wedding DJ? Of all the things I hate about the Miller Park experience, knowing that I am going to hear these specific songs at specific times during the game is, without exception, the most horrifying. Down 20-0? “I like to move it, move it!” In the midst of a no-hitter? “I like to move it, move it!” Brewers win the World Series? “I like to move it, move it!”
I don’t expect the Brewers to start embracing the 21st century and play LCD Soundsystem between innings, but they could do a little better, right? Dogs barking “Jingle Bells” would be better than this. Mark Attanasio’s son’s band Pan-Am would be better than this. (Okay, maybe that’s too far.)