Naked Lunch: In search of Milwaukee's best free strip club buffet

In a classic episode of Seinfeld, George becomes obsessed with mixing his two passions: food and sex. It didn't work out so well for George, but Decider wants to believe it is possible to combine two of life's most primal urges. (After all, they still sell edible panties, right?) Strip clubs have long been pairing not-quite sex with not-quite food in the form of complimentary buffets. So we signed on for a long lunch and headed out with high hopes for some hot, complimentary strip-club-buffet action.

On The Border
What they promise:  Complimentary lunch buffet, Monday through Saturday, 11:30 a.m.-1:45 p.m.
What it actually is: On a Saturday afternoon, $5 got us a seat at On The Border’s dimly lit, oval bar and a clear view of the show, but we were only looking for the food. We found it hidden away in a dark, dark corner and mercifully distant from the stage: a pile of tired, grayish hot dogs and too-firm buns in a warming tray. Sides on this “buffet” included a basket full of single-serving chip bags and plastic containers with fixings like sauerkraut, onions, and sport peppers. We had no complaints about our compulsory brunch-time bloody Mary: It was good, not too watery, and had just the right amount of heat, but no chaser was offered. Is this not Milwaukee? One of the, um, attentive staff members must have noticed our disappointment and assured us that the weekday buffets are more substantial, featuring baked chicken and roast beef sandwiches. 
Bottom line: It’s like an awkward co-worker’s backyard picnic at dusk, where the food is edible, but highly suspect—and not good. Sure, half-naked women chat you up, but you still have to listen to Poison. Save your money and use it to buy a much tastier dog at The Dogg Haus on Brady.

Solid Gold
What they promise:  Complimentary buffet, Monday through Friday, 11:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. 
What it actually is: When we asked what was on tap here, we were told there was no draft beer, so we half-heartedly ordered a gin and tonic. Then the bartender mentioned the sloppy-joe buffet. Sure enough, just across from the video-poker machines was a table with warm buns and a sloppy-joe mix that made the bagel-and-cranberry-juice continental breakfast at Motel 6 look like a meal fit for a king.
Bottom line: The joes were more runny than sloppy, so we skipped seconds. We also feared some stripper glitter would wind up in our teeth afterwards.

Silk Exotic
What they promise:  Third-shift party, first Friday of each month, 7 a.m.-9 a.m. 
What it actually is: What goes on inside a strip club at 8 a.m. can’t exactly be called a party; there are small, quiet pockets of guys who just got off work or, worse, people who made a special effort to get there in time for breakfast (like us). Still, out of the three clubs we visited, Silk Exotic provided the most impressive spread, complete with scrambled eggs, bacon, waffles, biscuits and gravy, and chicken-fried steak—all of better-than-anticipated quality. There was even a bloody mary bar with horseradish, hot sauce, pickle spears, and plenty of olives. It's worth more than the $5 cover—a particularly friendly staffer suggested that she might make a nice accompaniment to the buffet when we were finished eating.
Bottom line: Really, it’s only one made-to-order omelet station and six fewer naked women away from being a place you'd be proud to take mom for brunch.