Pub sofas and pet cheerleader outfits: a Packers Pro Shop holiday gift guide
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Giving the gift of Packers gear is a sure bet in Wisconsin. Even if the recipient is one of the 23 people in the state who doesn’t care about the team, they still need something to wear on sports-themed Casual Fridays. But for those who truly love the Packers, merely owning an Aaron Rodgers jersey or being the first to wear a 2011 Division Champs shirt isn’t enough. Before the team takes on the similarly gear-happy Raiders this Sunday, The A.V. Club spent hours scouring the Packers Pro Shop website for holiday gifts perfect for those Packers fans who claim to have Vince Lombardi’s finger bone buried in their backyards.
Green Bay Packers LED Book Lamp
Professional sports learned a big lesson from Star Wars nerds: Slap a logo on any piece of crap you can find, charge an extra couple of bucks, and everyone is happy. This lamp looks good on books about Vince Lombardi or written by Donald Driver, but unless it also sets books about the Chicago Bears on fire, a regular book lamp should do.
13-Inch Curly Lambeau Statue
Lambeau Field is storied, no doubt, but most of the Pro Shop’s stadium-themed merchandise feels like someone ran out of logo stickers and whipped up something to fill out orders for the day. The one unusual choice is this foot-tall replica of Curly Lambeau’s statue. Curly is a slightly more obscure part of the modern Packers pantheon, but he probably deserves better than a bronze/resin replica that looks like it’s tailor-made for an episode of Castle featuring a killer from Green Bay.
Green Bay Packers Pub Sofa
One of the big, dark secrets of Packers fans is that they understand the team colors are ugly. But those colors don’t run, even though people often do flee from them in nature. This couch seems to be a test of marriages far and wide; if the logo and colors don’t consign it and the owner to the fan-cave, the price tag surely will. 700 bucks plus another 185 bucks in, ahem, “shipping and handling” fees? For that kind of money, Clay Matthews should deliver the couch personally, and bench-press the family truckster afterward for good measure.
Green Bay Packers Quilted Hobo Bag
On the surface, this seems like the ladies’ version of the previous item. There are fashion-conscious Packers fans to be sure, but those fans use regular totes like everyone else. Someone willing to lay out for a Coach purse isn’t going to bring it any place where beer or wing sauce can come within a mile of it. This bag screams, “Return me!” even before it’s unwrapped.
Green Bay Packers Pet Cheerleader Outfit
Some people have to dress up their pets. It’s the God-given right of the same folks who scoop poop and scrub pet vomit, and get revenge by taking hilarious Facebook photos. But please, have the dignity to dress up your pet like a Packers player. Pet gender identity issues probably means a neurotic fan, or even worse, a grad student.
Super Bowl XLV Champs 24 KT Gold Coin
This coin is perfect for the fan who missed the Super Bowl Champion T-shirts, hats, towels, DVDs, sweatshirts, toilet seat covers, condoms, and bedspreads. Or for the fan who has all that stuff and will literally die if they’re not bombarded with a constant reminder that yes, the Packers did indeed win the Super Bowl last season. This could also be useful for fans looking for some weird Two-Face/Jordy Nelson slash-fic cosplay thing.
Green Bay Packers Gnome Ornament
Gnomes are already a strange breed that appeals to elderly gardeners and fantasy fiction fans. One group talks to the gnomes, and the other hopes the gnomes awaken and whisk them away to do battle alongside Aaron Rodgers while riding a unicorn or something. Where did you think the sax riff for “GO PACK GO” came from? That shit is straight Narnia Delta Blues.