Put that T-shirt on: 4 sort-of weird things that make R. Kelly horny

R. Kelly is one horny guy. And like a lot of horny guys, he’s not shy about expressing his desire for some female affection. Songs like “Feelin’ On Yo Booty” and “Bump N’ Grind” boast the subtlety of a salmon-pink unitard, though Kelly’s smooth delivery somehow overshadows his lack of lyrical variety. Of course, Kelly is plenty creative when it comes to what turns him on. (Judging by his well-publicized legal woes, he might be a little too creative.) In advance of Kelly’s performance Sunday at the Milwaukee Theatre, The A.V. Club takes a look at some of the more unusual aphrodisiacs that get the legendary R&B loverman revved up.

1. Oversized T-shirts
Song: “Put My T-Shirt On”

In this half-time atrocity, R. Kelly is coaxing his lover into wearing a triple-X-sized white T-shirt in the heat of passion. The lyrics paint an awkward picture of Kelly lying on his bed and watching his lover come out of the shower after sex. Next, she slips into Kelly’s oversized T-shirt and it's such a turn-on that he's ready to call in sick to work for round two. “Put My Shirt On” is from 2005's TP.3 Reloaded, which came out while Kelly was married to Andrea Lee. It’s probably no coincidence that the couple divorced the next year.

2. Automobiles
Song: “You Remind Me Of Something”

Kelly most famously linked driving to humping on his signature hit “Ignition,” but he first outed himself as a car buff in the buff back on “You Remind Me Of Something” from 1995’s R. Kelly, where tells a poor, poor woman that she reminds him “of my cars / I wanna wax it.” This lyric can be interpreted in a couple of different ways: 1) R. Kelly likes to incorporate car wax into his lovemaking, or 2) R. Kelly likes to fuck cars. It’s also possible (even probable) that both interpretations are correct. 

3. Astronomy
Song: “Sex Planet”

  
One of the greatest wonders of the galaxy is that it took until 2007’s Double Up for Kelly to get around to turning “milky way” into a double entendre. It’s what’s “gonna get you so excited” once Kelly tastes it on “Sex Planet,” a magical place he’s trying to find after “leaving Earth to explore your galaxy.” If you’re not cringing yet, there are plenty of other planetary sex metaphors that would make the world’s most desperate virgin at a Star Trek convention reach for the pepper spray.

4. The kitchen
Song: “Sex In The Kitchen” 

If you’re having dinner at the Kelly residence, be sure to bring a blacklight. We also suggest eating beforehand. In “Sex In The Kitchen,” Kelly moans about “sex in the kitchen / over by the stove / put you on the counter / by the buttered rolls.” He also works overtime to make sure there are no salads left untossed under his roof. Setting aside the clear violations of basic sanitary practices, Kelly shows a blatant disregard for personal safety by keeping “the oven on 500” while “doing it for the third time.” Really, R. Kelly?