Tourist Trap Safe House

Like it or not, tourist attractions are part of this city, too. But do they deserve the bad rap they get from grizzled locals? Decider takes an ongoing, objective look at the cold, hard facts of establishments that largely exist to draw in transients in Tourist Trap. In this edition, travel guide Fodor’s is taken to task on The Safe House.

Fodor’s says:
"False doors, props from spy movies and books, and a mazelike layout provide amusement for whodunit fans."

Decider says:
We don’t think The Safe House is necessarily a playground for “whodunit fans.” That makes it sound like diners are seated amongst awkward, prepubescent boys sporting magnifying glasses and twill houndstooth caps. Yes, there are false doors and spy props; after all, it is a spy-themed bar. But the target customer is a fun-loving, alcohol-consuming adult. Sure, bring the kids here for lunch or early dinner; they’ll love the place, but they don’t own it.

Nobody comes here solely for the food. It’s a bar, with bar food that’s bar-food quality. Not bad, but nothing drool-worthy. People come here at night to drink, make an ass of their friends, and enjoy some of the bizarre entertainment the Safe House offers, like a magician bartender on Monday through Thursday and a blackjack on Tuesday through Saturday. On weekends, there’s even a DJ and dancing (we dare you to request Duran Duran's "A View To A Kill").

The Safe House, operating since 1966, is a Milwaukee institution without a doubt, and it has always attracted customers with its “mysterious” process for entry. While locals who’ve been there and done that might yawn at the idea of needing a password to get in (because we all know the password, right?), it doesn’t stop us from laughing at unsuspecting out-of-towners who are asked to do silly things before they’re allowed through the door. And throwing a party here can mean the guest of honor is kidnapped, only to reappear ceremoniously through a trap door. Isn’t public humiliation grand? We think so—and all too rare.

Tourist Trap?
Emphatically, yes. Come on, this place has an over-the-top dedication to its spy theme, souvenirs to buy, and a long list of celebrities who’ve visited. Plus, that whole “we’re so hard to find” thing just begs tourists to take on the challenge and wander blindly through downtown alleys. In fact, it’s got so many markings of a tourist trap, it just may be Milwaukee’s premier tourist trap. But that doesn’t mean it sucks. The Safe House is a good time, even if the thrill wore off long ago. We’ll probably never buy a Safe House polo shirt or, uh, tablecloth (who sells souvenir tablecloth?), but it doesn’t mean we don’t love this famous, kooky bar.