Talkin' Baseball: Jobu, the Crew needs you

Major League isn’t my favorite baseball movie, not by a long shot—I’ll take Bull Durham or Eight Men Out any day. But 20 years after its release, it still offers a healthy dose of what Brewers fans need right now: levity and hope. I don’t care that it centers on a ragtag Cleveland Indians team; it's just as much a Brewers movie. It was filmed at County Stadium, Bob Uecker played announcer Harry Doyle, and Pete Vuckovich was cast as Yankees villain Clu Haywood. Most importantly, Cleveland by no means has the market cornered on extended baseball futility.

So right about the time Corey Hart and J.J. Hardy were going emo in a desperate attempt to turn around the team’s early-season fortunes, I decided to give my own blood pressure a rest and look for answers in Major League—a movie I hadn’t seen in its entirety since it was first released. Here’s the thing: As long as the calendar still reads April, I can delude myself into believing the Brewers’ pitching staff isn't more rank than a roadside commode in Tijuana. Likewise, it doesn’t seem all that odd to look for meaning in a ham-fisted screwball comedy; if that cartoony Indians team could win the pennant, so can the 2009 Crew. At least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself for another month or so.

Going into the screening I had nothing but fond memories, but sweet holy Jebus was I caught off-guard by its predictability, transparent characters, and mountains of '80s cheese. (The movie’s tagline: “A comedy with bats and balls.”) That’s all fine, though; I’m searching for hope wherever I can find it. Here then is a breakdown of how the Indians from Major League stack up against the 2009 Brewers.

Stadium: Municipal Stadium (er, County Stadium) vs. Miller Park
I loved County Stadium. I saw my first major league game there, and, to this day, I’ve seen more games in that sheet-metal monstrosity than anywhere else in my life. Still, I refuse to even consider an argument where County Stadium rates higher than Miller Park in any way. None. Miller Park is first class from top to bottom, and best of all, the weather for every game falls somewhere between excellent and perfect.
Advantage: Brewers

Owner: Rachel Phelps vs. Mark Attanasio
It’s more than a little frightening to look back and compare Rachel Phelps with Wendy Selig-Prieb. Under Selig-Prieb’s watchful eye the Brewers went 480-652 (including a 106-loss gem in 2002), and for most of that time it didn’t even seem like the team was trying. Remember Glendon Rusch’s 1-12 record in 2003? He started 19 games that year, when 19 exorcisms probably would have been more appropriate. But as long as Attanasio’s signing the checks, the Crew will always have a chance—and it doesn’t take a ballsy midseason C.C. Sabathia signing to bear this out.
Advantage: Brewers

Catcher: Jake Taylor vs. Jason Kendall
Jake Taylor’s two-bit baseball wisdom, drinking habit, and eventual game-winning bunt all combine to make him a leathery embodiment of How The Game Should Be Played. Even if Jason Kendall got a hit more than once a series, and wasn’t still slowed by his wounds from the Civil War, this wouldn’t be close. Related: Can Mike Rivera please start more than once a week? Please?
Advantage: Major League

Closer: Rick Vaughn vs. Carlos Villanueva/Todd Coffey/Trevor Hoffman
Trevor Hoffman has yet to see the field, and this is obviously a huge problem. Carlos Villanueva is not a closer, and the rest of the middle and late relievers have been nothing short of brutal—save for the (ahem) 241-pound Todd Coffey. If nothing else goes right this year, at least we’ll get to see him barrel in from the bully 70 or 80 times. I’d argue the pre-train wreck Charlie Sheen is wholly underappreciated—how great are Platoon and Wall Street?—but I’d still put my money on Coffey to kick Vaughn’s ass in a bar brawl.
Advantage: Brewers

Third Base: Roger Dorn vs. Bill Hall
Bill Hall’s a tough guy to figure out. Three years ago, he put together a nice 35-home run season, but since then he has steadily declined, culminating with last season where he devolved into a surly ingrate who barely hit his weight. Though, he’s off to a solid start this year, and he still brings it old school with a chaw the size of plum. That fact alone is enough to propel him ahead of the pretty-boy Roger Dorn.
Advantage: Brewers

Center Field: Willie Mays Hayes vs. Mike Cameron
During the off-season, Mike Cameron was a pen-stroke away from being traded for the Yankees’ Melky Cabrera, though it’s a good thing he wasn’t because he has been one of the Brewers’ most consistent players thus far. He’s a rock defensively, and his OBP is currently almost 100 points higher than it was last year. Yes, Willie Mays Hayes is funny. But let’s not forget Wesley Snipes is the same actor who brought you the unholy trifecta of Blade, Blade II, and Blade: Trinity.
Advantage: Brewers

Right Field: Pedro Cerrano vs. Corey Hart
It’s hard to find much fault with Corey Hart. He hits for average, has decent power, steals bases, never gets rankled about moving up and down the batting order, and fields his position. Plus, his glorious mullet/chinstrap combo puts him in the position of having a can’t-miss fallback career as an Appalachian teen idol if his baseball skills ever erode. While it’s true Cerrano and his voodoo doll, Jobu, provide many of Major League’s most memorable moments, Hart’s always been able to hit the curve ball.
Advantage: Brewers

Starting Pitcher: Eddie Harris vs. Jeff Suppan
Jeff Suppan’s myriad of sins have been deconstructed into dust by every beat writer, columnist, and blogger in the universe, so I’ll spare everyone the pain by not recounting them. Instead, I think we should all observe a moment of silence for Suppan’s untimely passing last September. Eddie Harris may not have been any good, but at least he knew enough to seek a higher power and start doctoring his pitches after he lost his arm.
Advantage: Major League

Announcer: Harry Doyle vs. Bob Uecker
If Mickey Rourke could garner an Oscar nomination for playing himself in The Wrestler, shouldn’t Bob Uecker have been afforded the same respect for his portrayal of Harry Doyle? Everyone seemed to forgive Wild Orchid, so can’t we do the same with Mr. Belvedere? Anyway, no matter what happens in this or any year, we’ll always have Uecke. Amen.
Advantage: Brewers