Talkin' Baseball: Miller Park Drunk thinks you should forget the Packers & stick with the Brewers
Even a disappointing baseball season won't make this blogger a football fan
Which Packers fan can pack more Skoal in his mouth?
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Once again, The A.V. Club invited one of our favorite Brewers bloggers, Miller Park Drunk, to write a guest column for Talkin' Baseball. This week he pledges allegiance to the Brewers as the Green Bay Packers begin the '09 NFL season
Running a Brewers blog has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Every day I have the opportunity to make fun of JJ Hardy, take credit for Todd Coffey’s entrance music, or promote the lady-killin' skills of Alcides Escobar. As disappointing as the season has been, doing the blog has made following the team on a day-to-day basis more enjoyable because at least there are people out there who care about what I have to say. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot less of you out there caring. With each loss to craphole teams like the Pirates, Reds, and Nationals, my readership drops lower and lower. It seems that most Wisconsin sports fans have moved on to the Green Bay Packers—which is weird because the Brewers are so much better than the Packers.
I’m not talking about the actual team being better. There is a good chance that the Packers will make the playoffs this season and virtually no chance the Brewers will. Whatever, I don’t care. What I am talking about is the experience of following the Brewers, which is way better than backing the Pack. Consider the following:
Tailgating: It’s a time-honored Wisconsin tradition. People in Wisconsin will tailgate for just about anything. Hell, we’d probably tailgate for an NBA team if we had a real one. The question is: Would you rather tailgate before a Brewers game or a Packers game? Do you want to be wearing shorts and a T-shirt, or do you want to be wearing seven layers of blaze-orange hunting gear? Do you enjoy shrinkage? Because if you do, by all means go tailgate at a Packers game. Personally, I like to play bags without mittens on. I like to drink a beer without taking off my facemask. When I see a hot girl at the game, I like to be able to see her skin. (Actually, that one doesn’t count because hot girls don’t go to Packers games.) When I go to the bathroom, I don't want to navigate through pants, snowpants, underwear AND long underwear.
All the out-of-place jerseys: Why is it that when you go to Miller Park, you see more Packers jerseys than drunk cougars? Are Packers fans so insecure that they can’t go to another sporting event without their Dorsey Levens jersey? (You never see current player jerseys at Miller Park.) Are they worried about running into a large group of guys in Vikings or Bears jerseys, thus rendering them defenseless in the jersey-off? It makes no sense, but at the same time it makes me proud there isn't some dickhead in a Jenkins jersey at Lambeau, looking for the smoking section.
Football is boring: The biggest complaint I hear about baseball is that it’s boring. Have you people ever actually watched football? This is how EVERY SINGLE GAME goes: kickoff, commercial, 45-second play clock starts, no snap until there is one second left, repeat, repeat, punt, commercial. Over and over again, for three hours! And people complain about players stepping out of the batter’s box too much? Seriously?
Green Bay is boring: Ever go to a sporting event that, well, sucked? You probably decided to leave early and hit the town, right? Everyone has done this… except after Packers games. Does Green Bay even have a movie theater, or are they still waiting for their very first picture show? A good time in Green Bay is two guys playing “I Can Fit More Skoal In My Mouth Than You Can, Cletus” outside the KFC. Honestly, I’m surprised we don’t see more Packers jerseys with “Allan Coe” or “The Cable Guy” on the back.
“The greatest fans in sports”: You’ve undoubtedly heard that Packers fans are the greatest fans in sports because the Packers are a small-town team, owned by the fans, and they play on the FROZEN TUNDRA. The fans appreciate the players, and the players appreciate them. It’s just one big love affair up there in Green Bay! Bullshit. Most Packers fans can’t name three players, and the ones they can have names like Chmura. Here’s how most of my conversations with Packers fans go:
Miller Park Drunk: Can I ask you a few questions about the Packers?
Packer fan: Yup. (Eats kielbasa.)
MPD: Who’s your favorite Packer?
PF: Of all time? Well that’s easy, Bart Starr. (Squeezes whole packet of mustard in his mouth.)
MPD: No, I mean on the current team.
PF: They’re all so dern new it’s hard to keep track. That Hawk guy is pretty good though. (Opens Keystone Light with dirtbike key, and shotguns it.)
MPD: Who do you like in the NFC North this season?
PF: I got two favorite teams, the Packers and whoever plays the Bears. Ha! (Chokes on sausage, and swallows what he spit up.)
MPD: How do you feel about Favre being a Viking?
PF: I guess you could say I will never “4”-get him. (Goes to a Cracker Barrel and loves it.)
