Talkin’ Baseball: Miller Park Drunk’s guide to how not be a Brewers fan

This week Talkin’ Baseball invited Vince Morales of one of our favorite Brewers blogs, the hilariously vulgar Miller Park Drunk, to write a guest column.

For the second year in a row, more than 3 million people will pass through the gates of Miller Park. This is a great accomplishment for any team, but especially for a small market club like the Milwaukee Brewers. But I think there are at least 100,000 people whom we all wish wouldn’t even bother. You know who I’m talking about: They are there to be seen more than to watch the game, they wonder why Richie Sexson isn’t playing, and they leave in the sixth inning if the Brewers are losing. I don’t like fans like this. That’s why I’ve come to Decider to tell you how not to be a Brewers fan.

Wear a glove
If there is one surefire way to make yourself look like an idiot at the ballpark, it’s putting on a glove. Wearing a glove to a baseball game is like showing up at a N.W.A. concert in an MC Hammer shirt. It’s like taking your cousin to the prom. Have you ever heard of The Happy Youngster? I rest my case. Try to remember that you’re not 12 years old.

Fail at tailgating
There are a number of ways to fail at tailgating. Start with the beer: When you go to the store, walk right past any New Glarus products, microbrews, or any other beer that costs more than $9 per sixer. Skip past the domestics that you and your friends like and don’t even worry about getting Miller products just because you’re at Miller Park. Keep on walking until you find some Bud Light Lime… in a can. Trashy? You betcha. Shitty tasting? Now we’re talking. Lose respect for yourself with every sip? You’re damn right!

Let’s move to grilling. The best way to fuck this up is to not know how to light a charcoal grill. Build mini-pyramids and tear them down, like you’re an Egyptian pharaoh. Spray lighter fluid everywhere; if your friends don’t want their food to taste like lighter fluid they should have brought their own damn grill! After eating possibly hazardous brats and burgers, you should probably head in, right? Absolutely not! The first few innings are always boring, and you don’t want to spend $8 on a beer when you’ve got, like, two Bud Light Limes left.

Wear a jersey with your own name on it
People have dreams. Barack Obama’s dream was to be America’s first black president. Ryan Braun’s dream was to design T-shirts for douchebags be an All-Star. My dream is to get people to stop buying jerseys with their own names on them. I can go into a thousand reasons why, but let’s ponder three questions first.

Does it make me look cool? (No, absolutely not.)

Does it make me look like a tool? (For sure.)

In the history of mankind, has a dude who isn’t an actual player and never has been ever gotten laid in a jersey with his own name on the back? (FUCK NO.)

Do the math, douchenozzle.

Take your shirt off
“Oh my God, it’s so hot! It must be like, 100 degrees! Do we live in Wisconsin or the Mojave Desert? Now I know how that guy must have felt like on the cover of Rage Against The Machine’s self-titled album! There is sweat coming out my pores and I don’t like it! I am taking my shirt off so that I will feel cool and refreshed!”

Stop right there. First of all, you look like a jackass with your shirt off. Either you have absolutely no business taking your shirt off in public or you don’t look half bad with your shirt off but still come off like a twatwafffle. I don’t need you “accidentally” sitting in the wrong seat and getting your gross back sweat all over my nice seat. I don’t need to see your male tramp stamp—sorry, “tribal tattoo.” And I definitely don’t need to be distracted by your nasty-ass bacne right in my face. We’re all hot, we’re all sweaty—just fucking man up and deal with it.

Ask what the Packers score is during a crucial moment in a Brewers game
This actually happened to me, by the way. I am sure the Packers have some sort of mini-camp going on right now, or you could always make your 50th trip to the Packers Hall of Fame. Just do me a favor and stay the hell out of Miller Park because I don’t want to hear about the Packers during a baseball game.

Here’s the thing: I love the Brewers and going to Miller Park more than just about anything in the world right now. It’s where I want to be. I could be at Comet Cafe, eating all-you-can-eat bacon while sipping on delicious New Glarus beer as three supermodels took turns giving me HJs. But if the Brewers were in town, I’d take my bacon to go, slam my beer, and tell the girls I’ll call them (I won’t) because I’d be on my way to Miller Park. I just want to be around other people who want to be there too. Is that too much to ask?