Talkin' Baseball: Ryan Braun and The Charlie Debacle

Ryan Braun is recockulous. There’s really no other word to describe him. When sportscasters do Brewers highlights and don’t describe Braun as recockulous, they are either wrong, clueless, or lying. I’m sure Bob Uecker calls Braun recockulous under his breath when Cory Provus is calling the game. (I’m even more sure that hearing Uecker say the word “recockulous” on the air would be the single most awesome event in the history of broadcasting, but I digress.)

On April 19, Braun was batting a lowly .222 with a .356 slugging percentage; by the end of the month, the former was up 95 points, the latter up 193. During an eight-game stretch Braun hit .552 with four home runs and 11 RBIs. 5 fucking 5 fucking 2! If you added up Craig Counsell’s batting averages from the last two seasons you’d still need to borrow about 100 percentage points to get to .552.
 
Like I said, recockulous.

I realize I’m not making a particularly insightful observation by pointing out that Braun is really good at smacking balls into Bernie Brewer’s front yard. Ever since joining the team in May 2007, Braun has emerged as the team’s most consistently great hitter. After he signed an eight-year contract in 2008, he solidified his position as the Brewers’ clubhouse leader and most popular player. And things are going to stay that way well into Barack Obama’s second term. (Or Sarah Palin’s first term, in which case we’ll all be living as refugees inside Miller Park.)

There’s a reason I’m gushing about Braun like Dick Vitale during a Duke game. I’m stalling before making an embarrassing confession: Deep down, I sort of don’t like him. In fact, Braun bugs me, recockulousness and all.

Let me quickly point out that this is a clear case of “It’s not you, it’s me.” Braun doesn’t bug me because he’s an arrogant guy (all professional athletes are to some degree), or because he has his own clothing line (at least it’s not cologne), or because he hangs out with 50 Cent (I thought his first record was okay). What bothers me about Braun is that he’s the Brewers version of Charlie Nicholson, one of John Cusack’s character's top five breakups in High Fidelity. Here’s a blurry clip from the edited-for-TV version of the movie to refresh your memory.

As played by professional cold-hearted bitch Catherine Zeta-Jones, Charlie Nicholson is the embodiment of every man’s dreams. She’s beautiful, interesting (mostly because she’s beautiful), seemingly unattainable and yet somehow attainable, and enticingly exotic, like Shakira or Bengal tigers. She’s also the kind of woman who’s guaranteed to drive you insane because, like Cusack says, she makes you feel like a fraud, "like all of those people who suddenly shaved their heads and said they'd always been punks."

You can never feel comfortable with someone like Charlie Nicholson because you’re always on the verge of her discovering that you're not worthy of her. At some point, she’s going to notice those mustard stains on your pants and leave your loser ass for one of those well-coiffed douchebags that wear ultimate fighter T-shirts with designer jeans. And this will cause you to lose your faith, your dignity, and 15 pounds.

Make no mistake: Once Braun’s contract is up, he’s gone. He said as much during a recent appearance on Jim Rome Is Burning. At the end of the interview, Rome asked, "Do you like being in a smaller market?" Braun smirked and replied, "It's worked out great for me so far ... But I grew up in L.A. and went to college in Miami, and I love being in a big city. So, who knows what the future holds?" It was sort of like hearing your wife say, "This marriage thing is cool for now, but I really enjoy having sex with other men, so who knows how long this will last?"

I know it’s not reasonable to be worrying about something that won’t happen until I’m nearly pushing 40. (Otherwise I’d be dreading colonoscopies on a daily basis.) But I can’t help feeling that opening up my heart 100 percent to this guy is only going to end in heartache, and I'll end up standing in the rain outside Ryan Braun’s window someday, screaming, “You fucking bitch! Let’s work it out!” I fear that’s what will happen if the Braun-led Los Angeles Angels win the World Series in 2016.

If there’s one lesson John Cusack took from the Charlie debacle, it’s that you’ve got to punch your weight. I suggest we do the same with Ryan Braun. As Brewers fans, we’re middleweights. We’re not the smartest people in the world, but we’re not the dumbest. Enjoy Braun while you can—and, thankfully, we have plenty of time left—but don’t make him your favorite player. Be like me, and cheer for Corey Hart.