The 5 people you’ll (unfortunately) meet at the Brewers’ home opener
Early each April, a sellout crowd’s worth of fans plays hooky, dusts off the grill, assembles the testicle toss game, and converges on the Miller Park lot for opening day. But as much as the day has to do with baseball, it has more to do with celebration. To better prepare you for the events of April 4, The A.V Club has taken the liberty of offering an early introduction to some of the people you’ll undoubtedly meet at the Brewers’ home opener. And be wary: If you don’t see one of these people, you probably are one of them. Be safe, have fun, and go Brewers.
1. The Marketing Professional
While the rest of us have the day off, the marketing professional is hard at work hocking (usually) shoddy products to those people at every tailgate station who are polite (or drunk) enough to listen. It isn’t an enviable gig, but this entrepreneur could fool you with off-putting enthusiasm and a hearty helping of buzzwords peppered into a rehearsed sales pitch. On a more positive note, we’ve found that Vitamin Water, demo CDs, and Girl Scout cookies can act as currency for scoring beers or loose brats from strangers.
2. The Fighter/Public Urinator
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Similarly, where there are thousands of people binge drinking before noon, there are bound to be fights and indiscreet pissings. Fueling the fisticuffs are usually vital social issues such as Frisbee theft, or one guy wearing a jersey that differs from another guy’s jersey. Stadium security is usually quick to disband any parking lot or bleacher rhubarb before it gets too out of hand, though. Sure, there have been some pretty serious altercations in past seasons, but the chilling reality of witnessing a skull fracture is quickly whitewashed by the sight of someone pissing on a stranger’s car because he was too lazy to walk to the Sausage Haus.
3. The Cubs Fan
Due to Milwaukee’s proximity to Chicago (and the fact that the two cities’ teams once existed amicably, if not indifferently), seeing Cubs fans at Brewers games that do not feature their lovable losers is a fairly routine occurrence. Between sips of the Goose Island IPA they hold in one hand, and texts to their Delta Chi brother about “the talent” on the Blackberry they clutch in the other, Cubs fans will regale you with tales of their beloved team’s rich history, the franchise’s unique hardship, and how watching a game in what’s left of Wrigley Field in all its urinal-troughed glory is an experience too amazing to pass up. Meanwhile, the Cubs will be playing a home game, which these jags skipped in order to pay four times face value to see a game between two other teams.
4. The Girl, Making An Appearance, Who Knows Nothing About Baseball
As mentioned above, the home opener is something of an event. And so, a pack of ladies will make their single Miller Park appearance of the season to be part of the fun. She’ll look the part, what with her blue and gold Mardi Gras beads and homemade shirt pledging her “heart to Hart” in foam paint. But, God bless her, she doesn’t know a lick about baseball and has no desire to learn. Once through the turnstiles, you’re bound to bump into her nursing a $16 bloody mary at T.G.I. Friday’s, perusing the pink shirt selection in the gift shop, or slouched in her unjustly amazing seat and slurring something that loosely translates into a compliment about Ryan Braun’s appearance.
5. The Group Outing Attendee
Who the fuck says the folks at Port Washington’s third-most successful insurance agency don’t know how to party? On opening day (and during every weekend home series thereafter), Miller Park plays host to a variety of office outings and team-building exercises. What better way to let loose than to slap on an ill-fitting “Brewers Bash 2011” shirt with your company’s logo on the back, and attend a mandatory work event at an otherwise great and carefree venue? Beneath some gaudy tent, Bev the 46-year-old receptionist will have a Miller Chill holstered in a can cozy nestled awkwardly beside her gunt. Close by, the boss will astound everyone with his astute takes on the team, which include, “They should have offered C.C. Sabathia more money.” Memories of the day will hold the office over until the Christmas party, or until the next asbestos scare.