The 5 stages of recall grief
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This is what democracy looks like: Putting up one of the hugest stinks in state history after a sleepy-eyed county executive is elected governor; recalling said sleepy-eyed governor; and blowing it, big time. Yes, after more than a year of noise, marches, and hilarious signs, Scott Walker handily defeated Tom Barrett (again!) in yesterday’s historic recall election. What this means for the future of Wisconsin Democrats is unclear; in the eyes of Wisconsin Republicans, however, Scott Walker may as well just start siphoning the water from their heads and turning it into wine. Or a 30-pack of Busch Light, as it were.
So if you’re among the roughly 43 percent of Wisconsin voters who thought Barrett actually had a chance of winning this thing, we present the Five Stages Of Recall Grief, based on the ever-popular Kübler-Ross model.
“Really? We just lost this thing? But we did everything right: We took pictures of our “I Voted” stickers, we made judicious use of the #wirecall hashtag, we bought a voucher for a free download at our friend’s “Rock ’N’ Recall” show, and we ran the same milquetoast candidate who lost his ass to Walker in 2010! And Zach Braff tweeted his support! Zach Braff! Oh, God… this can’t be happening…”
“Wait a minute: Did we just turn a relatively minor political figure into an untouchable GOP superstar? Fuck! Fucking Super PACs! Fucking Koch brothers! Fucking Barrett! Fucking Occupy teepees!”
3. (Collective) Bargaining
“Um, well, let’s see… it looks like John Lehman won, right? That would give Democrats a one-seat majority in the Senate… Hey, Daily Kos has a really annoying and condescending headline that claims we actually won the recall! Maybe there’s a silver lining after all…[drinks, passes out]
“Ugh, I’m never voting again. What’s the point? Wisconsin is doomed, the country is doomed, and Walker’s weird bald spot will only get worse. Jesus Christ, is Rebecca Kleefisch giving a speech now? FUCK.”
“Fuck it: We fight on, Wisconsin! It’s time to start supporting Obama for November! Who’s got a good hashtag we can use? What could possibly go wrong?”