The A.V. Club guide to March
Holidays (Day Off From Work category)
St. Patrick’s Day, Mar. 17
Okay, so this isn’t technically a day off from work. But, given the lack of Federal holidays in March and the fact that the celebration falls on a Saturday this year, it figures that most of you in the non-bartending and/or service industry won’t be at the office anyway. St. Patrick’s Day, the crown jewel of March festivities, is a testament to America’s acknowledgment of other cultures’ traditions, and specifically how those traditions can be changed to accommodate two-for-one drink specials. The holiday was at some point a religious observance as well, presumably to honor the Patron Saint of Liver Failure or something. We’re not really sure.
Holidays (No Day Off From Work category)
Read Across America/Dr. Seuss’ Birthday, Mar. 2
Forget the fact that Seuss’ environmentalist character, the Lorax, is being used to market SUVs this year. It’s Dr. Seuss’ birthday damn it, and it is our obligation as a populace to honor the man, regardless of whether he is currently turning over in his grave. One slightly more positive exploitation of his body of work is Read Across America, which commemorates a time in our country when children used to read in school.
Daylight Saving Time Begins, Mar. 11
In the fall, America’s gift to insomniacs and persistently late citizens everywhere (except you Arizona, you jerks) is the biannual Daylight Saving Time adjustment. That makes spring, when the time goes back and we lose an hour, America’s spiteful revenge.
Spring Solstice, Mar. 20
While those of us in Milwaukee traditionally associate March with piles upon piles of snow, that’s not the case everywhere. In many parts of the country, the spring solstice marks the return of miniskirts and swimsuit sales, a time when we as a nation stare regrettably into dressing-room mirrors everywhere while being reminded of just how bad we are at sticking to our New Year’s resolutions.
All Damn Month
National Craft Month
Given the lack of arts funding in public schools, as well as Whitney Houston’s recent death, the nation’s few remaining people with an ounce of creativity are probably either checking into a rehabilitation clinic or filling out their tragically unimpressive tax returns while their fathers berate them over the phone about their terrible life decisions. Luckily, there’s still one month out of the year that acknowledges the value of all of you starving artists out there. Seriously though, we are dangerously close to degenerating completely into joyless cyborgs, so dust off that easel, pull out those knitting needles, and get crafting.
As earlier mentioned, Dr. Seuss (March 2, 1904) would’ve blown out a whopping 108 candles this month. Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard (March 13, 1911) would’ve been 101. Velvet Underground singer turned absolutely dreadful Metallica collaborator Lou Reed (March 2, 1944) will turn 68 this month. Jon Hamm (March 10, 1971), who plays the womanizing ad executive Don Draper in Mad Men, will turn 41. To avoid this month’s notable birthday section turning into a collection of old white guys (in Hamm’s defense, it’s only his fictional character that would be very old today), we’re going to shift the focus now to March birthdays that tweens would recognize.
First is Justin Bieber (March 1, 1994), will turn 18 this year. That’s right: He’s finally free from his statutory shackles. American Idol winner Carrie Underwood (March 10, 1983) has a birthday this month, and so does Suite Life Of Zack And Cody Starlet Brenda Song (March 27, 1988), who recently lit more than scarves on fire in The Social Network. Jessie J (March 27, 1988), who played last year’s MTV VMAs and used to write songs for Miley Cyrus and Chris Brown, shares Song’s birthday. He will turn 24 this month. Finally, mega-pop star Lady Gaga (March 28, 1986) will turn 26—although, to be fair, we’re not sure if this birthday commemorates her real birth or one of one of her many egg-incubation rebirths.