The A.V. Club guide to May
Holidays (Day Off Work Category)
Memorial Day, May 28
On this day, in honor all of the brave men and women who have died protecting our freedom, we celebrate with a long weekend of booze and barbecue. Just to be safe, you might also want to start honoring your 7-year-old nieces and nephews who stay up all night spewing profanities and kicking ass at Call Of Duty. In all likelihood, they will operate the drones who fight our future wars.
Holidays (No Day Off Work Category)
Cinco De Mayo, May 5
The adoption of this proud Mexican tradition into American culture is a testament to our ability to break down barriers, come together as humans, and make up excuses to drink. Historically of course, today marks Mexico’s transition into an autonomous nation... oh, no, it doesn’t. Nonetheless, today should be used to honor and reflect upon... whatever, there was a battle or something. Pass the tequila.
No Diet Day, May 6
Health gurus might use this occasion to grab that cheeseburger they’ve banished from their temple, or to take a look at their diets to re-evaluate personal goals. But this holiday is perhaps most widely observed by the nation’s approximately one-in-three population of obese Americans, who simply refer to the celebration as May 6.
V-E Day, May 8
For those of you who read too quickly, this holiday observes the end of World War II in Europe and the victory of the Allied forces—it’s not a friendly reminder to get tested for an STD (that’d be V-D day). Although, if you need festive incentives to do so, you should probably just make an appointment.
Lost Sock Memorial Day, May 9
On this day, honor the brave socks that have been lost to dryers and messy closets everywhere, leaving their cotton brethren behind. Today provides an opportunity to organize what one could only assume to be the most boring holiday parade ever or, at the very least, go look for that missing sock.
Mother’s Day, May 13
She birthed you, clothed you, fed you, bailed you out of jail, and still pays your cab fare when you’re downtown getting blasted and shorting strippers with former Secret Service agents. What better way to thank your beautiful mother for all of her lifelong love and devotion than... a card! Thanks, mom!
All Damn Month
Asian Pacific American Heritage Month and Jewish American Heritage Month
It seems that where ethno-celebratory heritage months are concerned, in May we reach an impasse. This warm, pre-summer month seems to have been double booked. Asian Pacific Americans have had this month designated since 1992, whereas Jewish Americans didn’t designate May officially until 2006. It’s okay, though—Memorial Day weekend gives us plenty of time to reflect on the contributions of both groups, while you move your shit out of your old apartment (it’s also National Moving Month) and get really, really drunk at the first pool party of the year. Woo!
For this month’s birthdays, the theme is musicians, for no other reason than that the guy who composed the Ghostbusters theme song is celebrating a birthday this month. That’s right: On May 1, Ray Parker Jr. turns 58. Who you gonna call, indeed (not the Ghostbusters, as we’re pretty sure he is still alive). Adele turns 24 on May 5, which means we can look forward to sobbing into the stereo for her inevitably profitable and technically overdue third album 23. Chris Brown turns 23 the same day, but fuck that guy. Finally, Cee Lo Green turns 38 on May 30, when we can only assume the song “Fuck You” will play at least 7,000 times.