The Brewers are mathematically eliminated, but how’s the team doing in its other classes?
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With last Sunday’s loss to the Giants, the Brewers officially became one of the mathematically eliminated teams, essentially failing the subject. Having a big, fat “F” on the team’s report card will seriously tank its cumulative GPA—even if it has got an easy “A” coming in physical education. But with lots of other areas of study, it’s still possible for the Brewers to stay alive this year or to risk being held back. It’s all riding on how the team does in its other core classes.
Biologically? Very much alive.
The Brewers already have a pretty low average age—27.7 according to ESPN. But if 42-year-old Trevor Hoffman packs it in after this season and 24-year-old Lorenzo Cain wins the center field spot next season, the team will be looking so young that it’ll need Brad Fischer to come along if it wants to get into R-rated movies. What a team that young might lack in experience, it will make up for with youthful exuberance and, hopefully, a long future together.
Grammatically? Eliminated (for now).
The Brewers score eight runs in one inning? “That’s nice,” says Ken Macha. A Brewers pitcher gives up eight runs in one inning? “He didn’t throw too good,” says Macha. He’s far from a wizard with words; Macha’s brain-draining post-game analysis often lacks insight, as well as active verbs and modifiers. But should the team chose to trade in the Mach-5 for an upgraded model next season, it might help to find a manager who has more gears in his personality.
It’s simply too late in the season for the Brewers as a whole to salvage any semblance of sonic redemption. Jim Edmonds took his Jets To Brazil at-bat song with him to Cincinnati. Ryan Braun predictably uses a Kanye West song for his plate approach, which is only surpassed in shittiness by the Shinedown and Cage The Elephant tunes Casey McGehee and Corey Hart trot out to respectively. When Killswitch Engage and “replacing Dave Bush…” are the two most pleasing things heard over the house P.A. during games, something is amiss.
While Milwaukee—with its heavily German populace and team named after a popular German beverage that employs a lederhosen-clad mascot who watches schnitzels race around baselines from his comfy cottage porch—is not the most geographically diverse locale, the Brewers roster is a veritable cornucopia of ethnic assortment. Players hail from such destinations as the Dominican Republic, Mexico, Venezuela, and all corners of the United States. The remaining half of the team hails from Canada. Though far from the best team in the Majors, our Brewers can at least be counted among the most folksy and polite.
Psychologically? Kind of alive.
The season has mostly shaped up to be one massive bummer, and that has to be affecting the team’s mentality. Playing spoiler only generates so much excitement, and it’s been so long since the Reds were in contention that the fans (and probably the team) have forgotten how to hate those dudes. Surely clubhouse spirits would soar given the chance to take a huge dump on the hopes of a team like the Cubs, but since they’re fucked and so are the Brewers, let’s just hope the post-seasonal stress doesn’t morally defeat the team before next April rolls around.
Home economically? Alive.
Jeremy Jeffress is a master of the wake ’n’ bake, though it turns out that has nothing to do with cooking. But home economics is about more than just learning how to make Rice Krispies Treats and crochet rudimentary pot holders. It also has a lot to do with working in the community, and the Brewers hit that shit hard. Whether it’s opening a satisfactory eatery or hosting a bowl-a-thon for charity, the crew is getting out there. That’s why Rickie Weeks was nominated for the Roberto Clemente Award this year: He turned in a rocking year on and off the field. Maybe Jeff Suppan could have won it last year if he hadn’t hosed it so hard on the mound.
Computer Scientifically? Eliminated.
We’re not saying Twitter has anything to do with baseball, but since Seth McClung departed, Milwaukee is among the league’s lowest in the exceedingly important social media category. It’s almost as if the team voted to apply most of the 140 allotted characters to the team ERA, but just imagine what kind of real-time insight the Brewers could conjure up:
@LoCain: I hit the fence so hard last night :( LULZ
@DougDavis: I just want to say ... (goes on DL)
@RyBraun8: Heating up at the plate. Rewarding myself with a new rhinestone skull T-shirt @Remetee & a round of ICE! 4 my bros.
@TheRealPrince: *Cough*, you know, going to try and, you know, break the team walks record. *Cough* You know.
Sexual Educationally? Unknown.
The Brewers are professionals in a sport that happens to be one of the oldest euphemisms for sex. So whether an experienced Dale Sveum is stepping in to emphasize the importance of putting balls into play or Ed Sedar is expounding on the virtues of handshakes for every base reached, the whole team—by virtue of double entendre—is also dishing out valuable knowledge on the birds and bees. A puzzled Craig Counsell would listen in.