The dark side of the Phish reunion: Hit-and-run defecation

Phish apparently sounded pretty great this weekend when it performed two concerts at Alpine Valley Music Theatre in East Troy. But for one distraught (and possibly totally fake) 71-year-old neighbor of the sprawling live music venue, the vibes coming from the Phish reunion were anything but suh-weet.

According to an anonymous, all-caps post left in the “General” section of the Milwaukee Craigslist website early this morning, the neighbor had to deal with a hit-and-run defecator on his property following the Phish “musical.”

“OUR DOG WOKE US AT 1:30 AM MAKING A RUCKUS,” the post reads. “WE HAVE A SMALL WARMING HOUSE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT I BUILT FOR OUR DAUGHTERS (NOW GROWN) TO WAIT FOR THE SCHOOLBUSES IN. THE LIGHT IN IT WAS ON AND SOMEONE WAS INSIDE. I PUT ON CLOTHES AND APPROACHED AND FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM.”

The neighbor, who says he/she has lived off of County D for 24 years and often has to deal with shenanigans after concerts at Alpine, “HAD A SHOTGUN AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATE.” But the Phish pooper scurried away when the homeowner went to fetch a hose and bucket. (Life rule no. 390: Never turn your back on a hit-and-run defecator.)

The Alpine neighbor posted about the incident on Craigslist “BECAUSE I HAVE USED IT TO SELL TRUCK PARTS AND LAWN FURNTITURE AND DOUBT AN EDITOR'S LETTER IN THE JOURNAL/SENTINEL WILL REACH ‘PHISH’ PEOPLE.” The person is looking for an apology from the Phish pooper, who “LEFT BEHIND A WHITE HAT WITH AN ALIEN ON IT. ALSO A GLASS THING. I AM GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY.”

Yes, it's entirely possible that this Craigslist post isn't real. But even if it's not, it's still pretty funny and all-to-believable. Well, except for the part about the white hat with an alien on it. Who would ever throw something like that away?