What the luck: The A.V. Club’s crummy St. Patrick’s Day shopping guide
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St. Patrick’s Day is the number-one holiday meant to celebrate a specific culture that instead serves as an excuse for everyone to get fucking wrecked. Of course, there’s plenty of tasteless shamrock-shaped junk in the aisles of local stores meant to enhance your blurry memories of the special day. The A.V. Club sorted through piles of green plastic to find the best stuff to waste money on before Easter ushers in bunny-shaped beer bongs.
Store: Walgreens. Items at Walgreens are poised to lure in partiers in the hopes that they’ll pass out in the aisles and awake the next day needing ALL the Gatorade and aspirin.
Amount of St. Patrick’s Day stuff: Most locations have an endcap full of blinking shamrocks and oversized hats, offering either a “Dr. Seuss” or a “Rave-kid circa 1998” look for the big holiday.
Most ridiculous item: A light-up “Bar Is Open” sign ($10) that’s built out of a lightbulb and a piece of cardboard.
Store: BuyCostumes.com. The local web giant offers the fun of buying stupid things to wear to bars with all the ease of buying porn anonymously.
Amount of St. Patrick’s Day stuff: A link on the front page leads to almost 400 items. However, a lot of these items seem to be “anything made of plastic and/or green.”
Most ridiculous item: The Struck By Luck reversible costume ($44.99) is a slutty green dress on one side, and a slutty red dress on the other. So if you get covered in Guinness-hurl early in the afternoon, you can go to the bathroom, flip the dress inside out, and still look bangin’, yo!
Store: Bartz’s. This store is the only one on the list that has a window display for St. Patrick’s Day. Though it could possibly be a Lucky Charms cross-promo. It’s hard to tell.
Amount of St. Patrick’s Day stuff: With a dedicated St. Paddy’s Day aisle stretching all the way to the back of the store, Bartz’s has the Ugly Green Hat selection to beat.
Most ridiculous item: Bartz’s features three ways to spill liquor: an oversized leprechaun hat with shot glasses in the brim ($19.99), green suspenders with shot glasses mounted down the length ($11.99), and a green belt with shot glasses and cup holders on the hips ($11.99).
Store: Dollar Tree. The Dollar Tree is the only place to pick up napkins, a birthday card, and weird Peruvian off-brand toothpaste on the same swipe of the debit card.
Amount of St. Patrick’s Day stuff: The store has a modest selection of party decorations next to its Easter section. The only difference between most items is the color pink or green.
Most ridiculous item: Mugs ($1, duh) that look suspiciously like Mickey’s malt liquor bottles with handles on the side. Booze at 6 a.m. in a mug is always a classy touch.
Store: Target. Nothing is more awesome that using that Target gift card from grandma on something to draw people packed into a booth at an Irish bar into a drunken make-out session.
Amount of St. Patrick’s Day stuff: All of the St. Patrick’s Day items are confined to the exploded junk-drawer budget-bins near the front of the stores.
Most ridiculous item: A beige cylindrical beer hat ($2.50) with a white foamy top that in no way represents a male sex organ. The “beating the snakes out of Ireland” jokes just write themselves.
Store: Party City. This store was recently renamed from Factory Card Outlet, because nothing says, “Time to party!” like a place with “factory” in its title.
Amount of St. Patrick’s Day stuff: A seasonal display in the front of the store—complete with remnants of the Valentine’s Day display—is the place for all your St. Paddy’s Day needs.
Most ridiculous item: Not only is there a green Morphsuit ($50) that can be recycled for Halloween and/or an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia re-enactment club, but there is also a shamrock-covered one ($50) made just for this occasion.