Why the hell are you on Twitter?

When historians look back on the year 2009, they will have to make sense of Twitter, the popular social media tool that enables people to communicate with complete strangers despite having nothing to say. While it’s impossible to say at this point whether Twitter is the Levis or the Jordache jeans of online discourse, there’s no denying the quick and indelible imprint it has made on pop culture. Seemingly everybody has started—if only fleetingly maintained—a Twitter page at some point in the past 12 months or so. But to what end? Sure, Twitter is a great tool if you want to talk about that delicious sandwich you just ate with the world, or trick people into thinking that the start-up business you just launched in your parents’ basement is the hottest, hippest, most hot-shit enterprise in town. But is it really for everybody? The A.V. Club is not here to judge, but during the course of our own Twitter exploration—we’re at @avclubmke, by the way—we’ve come across some pages of questionable value for their followers. Here are five local Twitterers that make us ask, “Why the hell are you on Twitter?”

@TacoBellMilwauk
Who/what: A Taco Bell in Milwaukee. Is that specific enough for you?
Twitter M.O.: To share the latest news on the Taco Bell Volcano Menu, act as a clearinghouse for Taco Bell-related trivia about corn and flour tortillas, suggest conversation starters (“Tell me your favorite Milwaukee Taco Bell location!”), and give “It’s lunchtime!” reminders.
Sample Tweet: “Is 8:11 a.m. too early for tacos?”
Justified? If you don’t think 8:11 a.m. is too early for tacos, absolutely. For everybody else, all you need to know about Taco Bell is it’s always close by and open when you’re drunk at 2 a.m.

@MilwaukeePolice
Who/what: The Milwaukee Police Department.
Twitter M.O.: Publicizing the MPD’s successes and soliciting help catching the city’s most wanted criminals from people who spend all day in one spot staring at their computer screens.
Sample Tweet: “The Milwaukee Police Department is branded! Watch Twitter for the tweet on our groundbreaking branding/recruiting campaign!”
Justified? It’s nice that the MPD is using social media to reach out to regular people, but given Twitter’s reputation for being an epic time-waster, let’s hope Milwaukee’s finest is keeping closer tabs on murderers and rapists than on Ashton Kutcher and Ellen DeGeneres.

@EnergeeBucks
Who/what: The Milwaukee Bucks Energee! Dance Team
Twitter M.O.: Ideal for Milwaukee sports fans that have always wondered what the Bucks’ comely cheerleaders do when they’re not distracting people from the awfulness of the hometown basketball team. (The answer: Not much.)
Sample Tweet: “Danced all weekend at ProDance, met other directors, networked. Girls did awesome! Tif and Tiz—way to bring it! Coach Lo.”
Justified? Energee! hasn’t updated its page in more than a month, so maybe they’re also wondering what the hell they’re doing on Twitter. But providing a list of links to videos of bosomy twentysomething ladies sweating their way through something called Energee! Boot Camp—which surprisingly is not the title of a Corey Feldman sex comedy from the early ’90s—has at least some value.

@UltimateSun
Who/what: East Side tanning salon Ultimate Sun.
Twitter M.O.: Reminding college students that cooking their youthful skin into coarse leather is a great idea by repeating simple pro-tan phrases (“Tan is better!”; “Get your bronze on!”) that are terse even by the strict 140-character standards of Twitter.
Sample Tweet: “Tan here tweeple! YEAH!”
Justified? It’s not the most substantive or helpful Twitter page out there, but at least it won’t give you skin cancer if you look at it for more than five minutes.

@KaleyTzuMuffet2
Who/what: Local dogs Kaley Tzu, a Shih Tzu poodle, and Miss Muffett, a Shih Tzu Bichon.
Twitter M.O.: On the off chance it’s not the work of psychotically overzealous pet owners, @KaleyTzuMuffet2 suggests that if dogs ever evolve to the point where they can start and maintain their own Twitter pages, they still won’t be any more interesting than their human counterparts.
Sample Tweet: “What a great day. We had fun at Mom and Dad's work. We ran laps, and played with everyone. But now we're dog-tired. Time for dinner & a nap.”
Justified? C’mon, dogs with their own Twitter page? Is that kind of cuteness ever not justified?