Local Newswire Wisconsin takes off shoes, cries, joins idiotic “secession petition” meltdown

In the wake of President Barack Obama’s decisive reelection, shell-shocked Republicans have been left scratching their heads. Was presidential hopeful Mitt Romney too extreme? Too middle-of-the-road? Too handsome? What the fuck was Paul Ryan thinking with those workout photos? But while level-headed party members are undoubtedly dreaming up ways to court the lucrative Latino vote in 2016 and appeal to those things called “women,” more extreme and petulant conservatives are melting down, Richie Tenenbaum-style. Stories of “secession petitions” have been lighting up the Internet for days now, mostly thanks to notoriously flaky southern states like Louisiana and Texas. But did you know that Wisconsin—yes, Wisconsin—has its own secession petition? Well, it does, and it’s unbelievably stupid.

The ’Sconnie secession pitch can be found on the “Open Petitions” section of the White House website, nestled between “Allow the state of Virginia to vote on peacefully leaving the United States” and “Have the President attend a Fark.com party. If scheduling does not permit, at least have a beer with Drew Curtis.” Here’s the entire text:

Peacefully allow the state of Wisconsin to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.

We the people of the state of WI wish to withdraw peacefully from the Union. We believe in our rights that were granted to us in the constitution our ancestors wrote, and we also believe that your administration is infringing on those rights. As ratified by the States and authenticated by Thomas Jefferson, Secretary of State: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

LIVE FREE OR DIE FIGHTING

The petition, which is apparently not a joke, is tagged with “civil rights and liberties,” “economy,” and “firearms,” the latter being a strange issue to be pissed about in a state that recently passed a permissive “concealed carry” law. But that hasn’t stopped more than 3,000 people from signing the thing, including petition creator “Alex T” from Waukesha. (Many of the other signatures appear to be from out of state.) In the event that the petition fails to get the needed 25,000 signatures by Dec. 11, angry and defeated Wisconsinites can pick themselves off the floor, wipe away the tears, and set up a Kickstarter campaign or something. A strange day out here at Windswept Fields.