Wisconsin wife attacks husband after finding The Onion, a.k.a. “pornography,” in car
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Humor is a notoriously subjective beast, and it can lead to spirited arguments about whether, say, That’s My Boy is the worst thing Adam Sandler has done in his career, or merely the worst thing Adam Sandler has done this month. Still, at the end of the day, most people can find some shaky common ground and agree that parts of Billy Madison are still kind of funny. Sadly, a Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin woman found nothing laughable or agreeable when she discovered copies of The A.V. Club’s sister publication, The Onion, in the trunk of her husband’s car. Instead of acknowledging the paper as the home to some of the most trenchant satire in America and getting a good chuckle over the latest Smoove B. column, she instead saw the paper as “pornography” and proceeded to beat the shit out of her husband.
As reported by the Menomonee Falls Patch, it was a knock-down, drag-out fight for the ages, and an incident that “could very well be mistaken for a headline in The Onion.” (Ha!) According to the police report, 56-year-old Lynne M. Rasbornik was rifling through her husband’s car when she discovered copies of The Onion and another Milwaukee-area alt-weekly, the Shepherd Express, in the trunk. Apparently, Rasbornik has long considered the publications “pornographic,” and reminded her husband of her views by attacking him and eventually racking up one count of disorderly conduct domestic abuse.
Other than the whole “mistaking The Onion for Juggs” angle, there are plenty of details that elevate this story from merely silly to sublime. First, the beleaguered victim was stopping by in order to “get his son’s guitar that he was going to borrow.” Second, the agitated Mrs. Rasbornik followed up an aborted vase-throwing attempt by “running out of the house to the victim’s car and [taking] his cell phone, a notebook with his driver’s license and credit card inside, a Starbucks gift card, and his handicapped placard.” Finally, Rasbornik “kept scratching and poking herself to make injuries more apparent,” and “continued to scratch and twist her arms to make it appear that she was injured” even after being taken in for booking. Why Rasbornik views The Onion as The Devil’s Finest News Source remains unexplained, though occasional ads for gentlemen’s clubs and stories about Donald Trump gazing at his shriveled wang probably don’t help much.