Max Silvestri gets a fever and eats a really good hamburger at Sel de Mer
A man about town writes about town
I'm no Jack LaLanne, but a few years ago I really thought I had stumbled on a fun and easy diet plan that could really work for millions of regular people like me—people who hate rules, can't say no, and don't have the energy to take care of themselves. Frankly, we are a group of people under attack. Where's our South Beach Diet? "We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us. And also we have cheese with all our meals." Remember when Denzel Washington said that? So famous. Anyway, I used to have this special idea on my hands, and I really should have written a best-selling book and then moved to Aspen.
The book would have been called Bloody Marys & Cheeseburgers: How To Eat Your Way Through The Hole In Your Chest Where Your Heart Or Your Dreams Should Be. Sounds good, right? Here's how my plan worked. First, during the week, eat whatever you want. Have a sensible pizza! Avoid cocktails, except on nights when you really need them. Then, on Friday night, drink until you make a mistake. Eat a sleeve of Saltines and pass out with an unopened water bottle on your night table. Never open that bottle! As soon as your buzz turns into a headache and wakes you up, go to Sweetwater (105 N 6th St, Williamsburg, 718-963-0608) and order Bloody Marys and cheeseburgers until you are out of cash. Then, go nap.
Smart, right? Maybe not so smart. That was an indulgent summer, and I'm glad it's behind me. But I do still miss Sweetwater's cheeseburgers. They were always puck-shaped and served on a toasted English muffin, but their profound juiciness—and the mounds of melted gruyere and caramelized onions next to a tower of perfect fries—went really well with all the regret and pride I was swallowing with each mouthful of Bloody Mary.
I've given up on brunches and moved farther east, but luckily the old Sweetwater chef Jeff Slagg has moved along with me, opening up Sel de Mer (374 Graham Ave, Williamsburg, 718-387-4181). It's mostly a seafood spot, mixing the best of comfortable American and Mediterranean fishmanship. (Look that word up. I dare you.) But Slagg also serves an amazing souped-up version of his Sweetwater burger, with smoked gouda and pancetta and red-wine-pickled onions. It's amazing, and a little bit like a punch in the stomach—the good kind: the kind you see when you are watching a movie about Marines and they hit each other to let off tension; it probably hurts, a lot, but it represents love and brotherhood and sacrifice in a way that we as civilians could never understand. That's how good that burger is. If that burger had a TV commercial where a guy in a suit of armor fought a dragon and then morphed into an officer in full military dress, people would sign up for tours of duty.
The other stuff at Sel de Mer is great too. I've yet to meet (with my mouth) a special there that I don't like, and they serve a really delicious pickled watermelon sauce alongside their oysters. It's now my go-to neighborhood spot for when I decide I need a reward. "I mopped my floors and cleaned off the olive juice that was caked to the inside of the refrigerator. Better go eat a nice dinner alone!" Last week I went because my fever of 102 degrees finally broke and I was tired of eating broth and watching Netflix. Yes, not having a fever anymore is something I think deserves a reward. (Don't worry, it wasn't H1N1. I just found out I’m deathly allergic to the sulfur found in a particular type of antibiotic. Interesting, right? I can e-mail you a copy of my medical records.) And the service at Sel de Mar is warm too, because even though I was eating alone, sweaty and covered in a weird head-to-toe-red drug rash, I was treated like a valued guest, and not the hospital kind.
