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Lost In Space

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Lost In Space

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It's good to see that the people responsible for adapting Lost In Space for the screen went to the trouble of locating Dick Tufeld, the deep-voiced gentleman who played the voice of Robot in the original series. It's a nice touch. However, they pretty much crapped all over everything else. Of course, they had a tough job in the first place: First, take a remarkably lousy Irwin Allen sci-fi series centered ona bickering marooned future family, an ineffectual neurotic robot babysitter which takes everything personally, a prissy space pedophile, and some of the creepiest interpersonal dynamics ever captured on film. Now prepare to put it on today's big screen by assembling the mandatory "stunning" special effects, a pulsating techno theme song, B-list stars from contemporary TV and film, and a horrible, horrible computer-generated space-pet creature that's a cross between a leech and a boiled howler monkey. Then dream up a plot incorporating time travel, genetic mutation, cyberjargon, and saving the Earth—all the worst and most boring elements of science fiction. Finally, type up a list of bad jokes, space-talk, and semi-tough tag lines; label it "script." Make sure that that whole creepy sexual/familial dynamic stays true to the original series. Remind Matt LeBlanc to breathe through his nose. Roll cameras! Oh, and get that original robot-voice guy. Otherwise, your movie is going to be a two-hour cascade of space piss.