American Idol: "1 Of 4 Voted Off"
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American Idol: "1 Of 4 Voted Off"

Hello. I really want to watch the Bulls/Hawks game so I am going to dispense with a cute intro and get right to tonight’s Idol results show.

After the necessary intros and recaps, Scotty and James sang Brad Paisley and Keith Urban’s “Start a Band.”Was it my imagination or did James seem a little embarrassed to be singing country, and possibly forgot the words once or twice? Scotty seemed completely in his element, of course. I think James got into the song eventually and the little girls singing on the judges’ podium was a cute/cloying (I can’t make up my mind so I’ll just say “cluting”) touch. I liked the harmonies, but I think the producers could have chosen a song that fit both of them a little bit better.

Then Lauren and Haley sang Miranda Lambert’s “Gunpowder and Lead,” a song I’ve never hear before but is something like a cross between “Janie’s Got a Gun” and “Before He Cheats,” IE women getting violent over bad men doing bad things to them. It was a great song for both Haley and Lauren, since they got to sing big and act tough-cute (there was much blowing of fake smoke off finger-guns). Both looked prettier than they have in some time but I think Lauren stole the performance with her black fringe and hair-tossing. I was a little surprised that we heard two country songs tonight and nothing that was tied in to last night’s themes of mentor (or even Aerosmith) tunes but at least for the girls, it worked.

The only person I’ve been voting for the last few weeks, Lauren, made it to the Top Three, in the first Results segment. She seemed so genuinely thrilled by the news it was rather infectious. Yay Lauren!

The next segment of the show was slightly confusing, just because I wasn’t truly sure what I was watching for a while. First, we had been promised a “performance” from Lady Gaga, but instead we saw footage of the Idol contestants sitting down to watch footage of Gaga in concert. Gags sang Haley’s “You and I,” and, make no mistake about it, Gaga is a very talented performer, but still, we were technically watching video of people watching another video. That was weird! And maybe just a little profound.

Then, Enrique Iglesias allegedly performed on the Idol stage, but what he actually did was so very little. He sang an idiotic, dated-sounding song called “Dirty Dancer” which was half comprised of video of Usher singing backup, and then segued into “I Like It,” to which he also barely sang thanks to autotuner, a Lionel Richie sample and a very generous backing track. And it’s not like Enrique did stuff instead of not-singing. He didn’t dance or twirl around on a gigantic scarf hung from the ceiling. He just kind of stood there in front of girls grabbing at him as big balloons fell from the ceiling. I was very confused about what his purpose was, unless it was to look cute, in which case he was successful.  

So what happened to Jordin Sparks? Is this a new incarnation of her or has she always aspired to be Beyonce-esque and I just didn’t notice? She debuted her new song “I Am Woman,” which was introduced like it was something special or important but it was as stupid a song as “Dirty Dancer” (whose lyrics go “She’s a dirty dirty dancer/a dirty dirty dancer) with lyrics like “I am woman/yes I am woman/I’m a woman I’m a woman yes I am” and a bridge that just consisted of the word “Yeah.” I reject this song both as woman and as human being. In the time being Jordin seemed way more intent on showing us how she’s lost weight and can dance all sexy and than actually singing live. Usually the Idol contestants come back and remind us they made it so far in the competition in the first place but Jordin’s talents weren’t really on display tonight. 

Then we saw the premiere of the video for Steven Tyler’s new song “It Feels So Good,” brought to us by Ford. If you’ve never seen an Aerosmith video in your entire life before then you might enjoy the video. If you have, you might be saying, “Hey aren’t those some of the same freaks as from the ‘Pink’ video? And is that topless girl in the video the same age as the girls in Aerosmith videos 25 years ago?” Aside from the awkward Ford placement, I probably wouldn’t have minded the video so much except the if it wasn’t for young half-nude girl, since Steven Tyler is a grandpa who was born the same year as my parents (I learned this from his new book). In the video he also plucks a rose from a girl’s cleavage, pretends Nicole Scherzinger’s butt is a bongo drum and possibly makes the international sign of cunnilingus at her but I wasn’t quite sure. I guess the point is, Steven Tyler is going to keep doing what he likes to do until he’s just a little dancing skeleton like the one on the Etch-a-Sketch Animator.

Finally, time for the big news. Ryan revealed that Lauren would be joined in the top three by Haley, and the girls exchanged big hugs. I had a feeling if it was going to be between Scotty and James, James didn’t have a chance, and I was right. James claimed that he had a feeling he might go home tonight, but that didn’t stop him from crying so hard that his face melted a little bit (Jennifer also let herself get dangerously close to the Ugly Cry.)  He reprised “Maybe I’m Amazed” and for a moment I wanted him to serenade his lady, but then he lost control of the song a little bit and thought that maybe it was best if he didn’t stand shrieking at his wife. I felt bad for James: he really wanted to win this show, and clearly adored performing. But then he said “I did so much damn stuff that’s never been done on this show,” and I was ready for the sandman to come get him. Well, at least he went out on a very rock n’ roll note, the band playing him out until the very end. 

So next week it’s my favorite (Lauren) versus my finale vision (Scotty and Haley). Either way, I look like a genius so I think the real winner tonight is me. 

Filed Under: TV, American Idol

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