American Idol: “Auditions #7”
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American Idol: “Auditions #7”

B+

American Idol

“Auditions #7”

Season 11, Episode 7

For our final audition episode, I thought I’d pull out the real-time recap format again.

7:00 Checotah, OK. 2004. Carrie Underwood is talking about watching American Idol. Holy shit, has it really been eight years since she won? It’s funny how much I don’t remember about her until she was close to winning.

7:02 I always have fun in St. Louis, but I also am always there for weddings, and nice hotels there are super-cheap. Also, the City Museum makes you feel like you’re high.

7:03 Wow, look at Jennifer in that red bustier. Who do you think weighs less, Steven or Jennifer?

7:04 Johnny Keyser is a surfer cutie from Florida raised by a single dad. “He’s like my brother more than my dad.” That’s never good. He’s good-looking, but he knows it. Oh good, “A Change is Gonna Come.” Happy Black History Month, everyone! He sings it well. I just wish it was a different song. Also, he kind of looks like he has pinkeye. He’s one of the few singers in the competition, it seems, that the judges have called out as being a star, which is weird since it’s so late in auditions.

7:12 The show has an Artist-themed silent film about the show’s worst auditions. Oooh, Uggie! This is kind of cute.

7:13 Audition sign spotted: “Dyllun” is no joke?

7:14 Did you guys know that American Idol brings people together? So if you say this is just a dumb reality show, you hate people.

Rachelle Lynne announces, “I am doing American Idol for my daughter. And I.” Another divorce story! Another jerk ex holding a woman back from her dreams! If anything, this season of Idol is discouraging people from getting married. Fortunately, my husband supports my dream to write about American Idol.

Rachelle got to bring her cute little bespectacled daughter in the room with her. “He took all them dreams away from me.” And the husband didn’t like this song that she’s about to sing, either, “Find Somebody New” by Faith Hill. Am I a bad person for reflexively disliking people who come in trashing people who aren’t here to defend themselves? She’s a good singer, at least. I wonder why she was allowed to bring her daughter in there to enchant the judges when she had friends out there to look after the kid.

7:19 Guys, don’t get your girlfriends anything from the Charmed Memories line at Kay jewelry this Valentine’s Day. If you need other ideas, let me know.

7:23 Oliver McCrary’s version of “Kiss from a Rose” is probably what caused Heidi Klum’s divorce from Seal.

7:24 I wonder how many versions of “Rolling in the Deep” the judges had to hear this season.

Reis Kloeckener was a victim of bullying. Public high schools!! His eyebrows are flawless. He’s singing a sweet, breathy version of “Lean on Me.” He’s got a bit of a Timberlake vibe, singing-wise. Steven says, “You made me tear up and get all crazy inside.”

7:27 I could see This Means War turning off women who think it looks too violent and men who thinks it looks too chickie. But there are those people who would pay to watch Reese Witherspoon take a poop in a cute little box, so who knows.

7:31 Is this the America’s Next Top Model end-of-episode music? It is! This is weird. Like seeing your teacher at the grocery store.

7:32 Ethan Jones cut his forehead open as he scratched it, while worrying about his audition. His musician dad had to go to rehab for drug and alcohol. I’m going to start a competing show called My Lousy Kid/Ex-Spouse Talked About My Business On American Idol, And All I Got Was This Stupid Show. He sings “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain. He sounds pretty good, and he has a bit of a Kris Allen vibe. Steven wants to meet his dad when he gets out of rehab; that’s nice. Ethan calls his dad; Intervention crossover?

7:40 It’s a clip from the Madonna video. Is it me or does this look really cheap for her? I feel nothing. I like the sideways shot of her walking on the wall though.

7:43 Mark Ingram is the auditor from the hotel where the auditions are being held. He reminds me of Jacob Lusk a little bit. His group of supporters is cute. He’s singing “Overjoyed” by Stevie Wonder. He’s... loud. Last night, I said a guy sounded like what Jacob Lusk was supposed to sound like, but Mark, I think, is the not-as-good version of Jacob. Now he’s singing the loudest version of “Part-Time Lover” I’ve ever heard. But I like him.

I kinda like Randy’s crazy big-plaid shirt. Also, it’s weird seeing Steven wearing short sleeves, not to mention a tie.

7:48 How come comic actors from primetime ensemble shows are pitching juice all of a sudden?

7:52 Lauren Gray. Her family owns a one-stop wedding shop, and she sings. That’s a fun story. This Paul Simon song about his daughter always makes me choke up. Her dad kind of looks like current Eddie Van Halen. She’s singing Adele’s “One and Only.” She has a huge voice. I wish I could hear her sing something a little less yell-y. Randy pointed out that she cracked a little bit up top, and she acknowledged it, which I think is cool. I agree with Steven, who likes it when people hit the high note and crack. I like that the episode is closing on someone who has a nice background story. The judges call her out as a star, and Ryan compares her to Carrie Underwood.

7:57 Did Steven just say that Randy’s Astro-Pop shirt reminds him of a giant dick?

8:00 Auditions are ovah! Finally, it’s time for the Finder to find something.