That's really the title of this episode, according to IMDB. Snappy!
Do you folks know why Claire Zulkey is my hero? When just watching American Idol, when you're not recapping it, and you can pause to eat, drink Scotch and masturbate like a gentleman, it doesn't seem so bad. But when you have to write up every episode and pay attention to every little detail of these gibbering morons, it becomes a Herculean chore. And that's why Claire Zulkey is my hero.
Ryan Toothpaste starts the show by telling Simon that his excessively harsh judgments of the previous nights are the "buzz of the nation" and asks him why he's being such a dick. Simon denies he is doing any such thing, because he hates Ryan deep in his soul, but we all know it's because Simon has the thousand-yard stare and can't wait until he never has to sit next to Kara DioGuardia again.
The featured mass sing-along sees the Top 24 singing "American Boy". This song is the sort of thing that comes out of L.A. cabs when you're drunk at 2:30AM. At least that's the way I dimly remember it.
The first round of eliminations starts with the girls, and it's the same old interminable head games that the show has been doing for nine years. Luckily, you readers don't have to wait around for me to tell you that, in a stunning rebuke to crazy religious football players and their sexual needs, Janell Wheeler is the first to get the boot. She doesn't seem too upset, probably because she's got a golden ticket until Draft Day. After singing "What About Love" again and reminding us why she got voted off, she goes away and because I don't watch football, I don't ever have to think about her ever again.
Allison Iraheta, one of my faves from last year, struts out with her new Christina-Aguilera-with-normal-eating-habits look and a song called "Scars". You may wonder, why doesn't the A.V. Club ever write about Idol contestants after they're off the show? This is why. Allison's voice is still strong and effective, but this song couldn't be blander if if was run through an industrial-strength blandercizer set to Mocha Latte Bland by George Blanda. She's still charmingly spastic when she has to talk to people, though. Good times.
The next gal to be eliminated: shockingly, not the doomed Lacey Brown. No, instead, it's down to the largely interchangeable Ashley and Didi, and after the vote, it's Ashley Rodriguez who gets handed her walking papers. Frankly, I can't even remember anything about her, and I just watched her sing two days ago.
After getting to see Tyler Grady strutting around in a spa robe and booties, thus extending the '70s metaphor to include Mick Jagger at his hey-let's-do-coke-on-the-French-Riviera best, we get to the eliminated dudes. In the first shocker of the series, Joe Muñoz, one of the few really talented guys, gets thrown out, while cruddy replacement player Tim Urban, who the entire universe agreed can't sing a lick, somehow survives. This is probably the sort of Vote For The Worst shenanigan that sends me into a bored rage every season.
I got nothing smart to say about the "Idol Gives Back" segment where they raise money for Haiti, because seriously, folks, that country is fucked the fuck up, and if all this show's slap-happy bullshit results in just one person getting a goddamn bottle of clean water, then hooray for American Idol. I don't even mind Kris Allen's cover of "Let It Be".
But now back to crushing people's spirits! In another minor shocker, Alex stays in the competition, while Tyler with his super rock star flow gets to go home and start an Aerosmith cover band. That'll teach him to sing songs about our women!
This went by a bit quicker than most of these hour-long results shows, and there wasn't anything particularly annoying about it, so I'm not sure why I rated it so low. Probably just because I disagree with who got dropped, which shows what a truly petty person I am. Anyway, thanks for letting me bust a recap in your asses this week, Idol watchers, and thanks again to Claire, who'll be back next week.
- Incomprehensible commercial of the night: if you try the new flavor of Stride chewing gum, you will be attacked by savage ostriches.
- As the years go by, it is increasingly difficult to tell Ellen DeGeneres and Harry Anderson apart.
- For professional bettors and those keeping track at home, I am now 0-4 on the season for picking who gets booted. Will I finally top the legendary Season 4, when I was right exactly one time in the entire run of the competition? We'll see!