Well, how about that? An actual high-fashion model who doesn't have a weird personality or gimmick or vocal defect (hi, Jaslene!) won America's Next Top Model? Truly, this is an amazing country, with an amazing down-market tv network (Hi, CW!). Anything can happen here. Wigs and Joker-esque smiles for all!
Except me, of course, because I thought Baby Topanga would definitely take this cycle/season. Looking over her qualifications, she seemed a perfect fit for ANTM winners' main duty: appearing in the "My Life as a Cover Girl" ads during the next cycle season. Annaleigh looked like a walking Delia's catalog (check!), she wasn't at all high-fashion (check!), she could deliver a commercial well or at least not horribly (check!), and she had somewhat of a personality, as evidenced by that stupid peace symbol necklace she insisted upon wearing at all times (check!). True, she didn't have a gimmick, but the only ones who had gimmicks (Isis, the Euro Duo of Marjorie & Elina) had already been eliminated. She seemed like the textbook ANTM winner.
I think Baby Topanga probably could have fulfilled her destiny as well, if she hadn't completely choked during the Cover Girl Lip Slicks Lip Gloss That's Also Somehow A Teeth Whitening Treatment Even Though That Doesn't Make Sense Unless You Apply Your Lip Gloss Directly Onto Your Teeth commercial shoot. Annaleigh was by far the worst, sinking to sub-Samantha levels of blank-mindedness. When Mr. Jay had to feed her her lines (and there couldn't have been more than four lines including "Easy Breezy Beautiful Cover Girl") I knew she was going to be eliminated. Samantha may deliver lines like she's eating them, and McWig may deliver lines as if all words have the same meaning and deserve the same lack of inflection, but at least they can remember the lines. The judges claimed that Annaleigh suddenly didn't have the face to be America's Next Top Star Of My Life Is A Cover Girl Commercials For Three Months, but her crappy commercial was the reason she was sent home.
That left us with Samantha and McWig. From here, we all knew the winner was going to be McWig, because although she doesn't fit the traditional profile of ANTM winners in that she could actually be a high-fashion model, Samantha couldn't win. Why? The dopey blond in the top 3 never wins. Invisible Anya didn't win last cycle/season, or Chantal the cycle/season before that, or Renee the cycle/season before that, etc., etc. ad nauseum. (The one exception to this rule might be CariDee, who I'm convinced won solely because of her name.) No, this contest was over way before the girls had to sprint to the top of that hilly hot pink runway in the name of Dutch fashion.
Not that I'm unhappy about McWig's winning, but I wonder if she won't be unhappy. She's kind of quiet, which leads me to believe she's probably kind of smart. And McWig could actually have a lucrative career as a model on her own terms, instead of on Bankable productions' terms, a fact that will no doubt prick like a sharp stone in her shoe every time she has to walk the sad, sad red carpet at the Fiercee awards outside Tyra's studio, or say, "That's my life as a Cover Girl." But, then again, McKey can just pick up Tyra and throw her whenever she feels like it, so there is something for her (and us) to look forward to.
--"I'm nervous out of my pants. But today is Sam's day." Aww. Poor Sam. Colorfully clueless till the end.
--Let's make Addy Van Den Krommenacker the new "What?" As in "Addyvandenkrommenacker are you talking about?"
--Well, at least we got to see the girls attempt Dutch. Still, it wasn't enough. The days of foreign-language immersion through Cover Girl commercial humiliation on ANTM are apparently over.
--Speaking of which, did a ghost do the lighting at that commercial shoot? The lighting was so soft and bright, there were no angles on their faces at all. Their faces were reduced to eyes lips, and two nostril holes.
--Strange: Ms Jay got the big entrance, complete with balloon-head jester at the fashion show. Not Tyra.
--Tyra's hair at the finale judging: Hair Egg, or Hair Pine Cone?
--Tyra's outfit at the finale judging: Klingon or Rock & Principal in Roll High School Forever?
Content continues below