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America's Next Top Model: "If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"


America's Next Top Model

"If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"

Season 10 , Episode 7

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I usually ignore the titles of these episodes because, well, it's just one more thing to ignore when watching ANTM, like logic, intelligence, and Tyra's affinity for showy accents. But, come on: "If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere"? Either the title-writer is extremely stupid ("Duh, it's a twist on that New York song."), or they're engaging in a sly form of commentary on the show from within the show, like those Disney animators who drew the hidden phallus on Ariel's castle. So, the universe of ANTM is so idiotic that if you can't make it there, you're doomed to ambling down streets while drooling? Nice.

Of course, the title could simply be referring to how easy the producers made the go-sees this year. A GPS? Teams? Only three appointments? Why not just lay down tracks from designer to designer, and set up a miniature zoo railroad to ferry the girls from place to place? The go-sees should be about getting spectacularly lost, running out of time, unnecessary panic, and terrible failure. Not about teamwork, Sprint, and Jerry Seinfeld's ex-girlfriend's bathing suit line. Simply put: worst go-sees ever.

And, since we're still in the midst of the incredibly boring bottom 2 edit--Oh, Lauren's flying into a rage involving coffee and waxing on about her awkwardness? Bottom 2. Everyone suddenly thinks that Claire tries too hard, and she's talking about her daughter a lot? Bottom 2--that means all I have left to talk about is the photo shoot. But despite the ridiculousness promised with Mr. Jay's giant treadmill/styrofoam wall display/metaphor, the Fuerza Bruta, drowned-ballerina-in-a puddle-on-saran-wrap shoot was pretty boring as well. Posing in water--however shallow--is nothing new for ANTM, neither are squished faces. Say what you will about Claire's head-butt against the mylar, but at least she gave the audience something we'd never seen on this show before: a belly-flop into a puddle in the name of looking graceful. Most of the girls looked like ink dropped in water but with faces--except of course for Anya who looked (as always) like an alien, and Dominique, who looked like ink dropped in water on top of a lionfaced woman having an orgasm.

In the end, as we knew all along, it was Claire vs. Lauren, Annie Lennox vs. Shirley Manson, breast pump vs. angry coffee in a wine glass, dullness vs. awkwardness. Predictably, Claire lost. She couldn't even keep the 5 people who vote for Cover Girl Of The Week interested this long, so she had no hope of holding Tyra's ego-addled eye. But Claire went out in a whirl of confusion, "But am a chameleon. I don't understand why that didn't come through." Giving Tyra the perfect opportunity to send her off with a verbal bitch slap, "Well, you can do a little studying when you get home and figure it out." Translation: "If you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere. Seriously. Now get out."

Grade: C

Stray Observations:

--Stacy-Ann's voice on helium could probably be used as a default dog whistle.

--"I never thought I would be in Seventeen magazine!" That's because you're easily 45, Dominique.

--Why did all the models have to press their faces against saran wrap underwater, when all Tyra had to do for her photo was look out through her shower door?

--Here's a chicken or the egg conundrum: Was Lauren crazy before ANTM, or did ANTM make her crazy? Discuss.

--So if Whitney's a size ten, that makes Fatima a size negative one. In person, she's probably the width of a needle.

--MOB's new haircut does, as Paulina said, eliminate that cheesy Eastern European-ness, but it also adds a palpable feeling of depressed 8th grader.

--Did anyone see Anya this episode? I think I might have heard her meep.