Celebrity Rehab: Retreat
D

Celebrity Rehab: Retreat

D

Celebrity Rehab

Retreat

Season 1, Episode 7


What the hell am I doing? I should be watching Lost right now. Instead, I'm watching a group of self-absorbed assholes–and that includes Dr. Drew–who are "famous" by virtue of ridiculous fluke and self-flagellation rather than talent. This week's trying, annoying episode of Celebrity Rehab showed almost everyone's true colors, and almost everyone is an asshole. Worse than that, they're not even really entertaining assholes.

The worst offender: Ricco Rodriguez, who has supplanted Daniel Baldwin in overall douchebaggery even when you factor in all the horrible things Daniel Baldwin has probably done since he left the show. Ricco doesn't even realize how ridiculous he sounds when he brags about unnamed tough-guy crimes from his past. He can't talk about all the people he's hurt on camera, because he'll get arrested. He did some really dark shit, though, he wasn't you to know. The truth about his real addiction–gambling–comes up, but even that admission is coupled with smirky braggadocio: "Because I'm Ricco Rodriguez, I wouldn't pay it back. Come get it."

Tonight's episode actually led me to believe that Ricco, even though he's probably in better physical shape than the rest of the entitled children masquerading as patients, is probably best odds in the dead pool. (Jessica's a close second.) The group takes a trip to Catalina (Seth: "Do you know how dope that is?") and Ricco jumps off the boat just to prove he can. Dr. Drew and the crew use the scenario to create yet another mountain out of a molehill, claiming that both harbor patrol and Homeland Security showed up. Oooh, scary.

At some point, everything just turns to chaos, with these babies getting in a food fight, singing "99 Bottles Of Beer" against a counselor's whining wishes, and just generally acting like idiots. Incredulously, Dr. Drew says that after they leave treatment, "They may have to get a job," like that's the weirdest thing ever. Hey Dr. Drew: This show isn't helping anyone. It might, in fact, be hurting people by telling them that they can a) get rich by acting like spoiled assholes, b) get treatment by agreeing to go on TV, and c) get better by acting like spoiled assholes. Could we see a treatment center in which real people who need to make real choices are featured? Because I can't imagine that the downtown junkie or even the middle-class crystal-meth kid can relate to anything that's going on here.

End of rant. Here's a mild surprise: Jeff left, and everybody just let him go (finally). He knew that he was going to use when he left anyway, so he figured he'd just not wait that extra couple of days to get back to his succubus Vikki and her never-ending supply of prescription opiates. In his defense, Jeff did have his maid look around the house to see if there were any drugs. (It's not clear whether she was to throw those drugs away or put them where he could find them.)

Oh yeah, talent show! What a ridiculous stunt that was. Drew sends the children to a "sober coffee house" (as opposed to all those drunk coffee houses) to stroke each other's egos. Jessica is so terrible that the producers gently segued her performance into a recorded version, and Seth did some kick-ass spoken word that included the line, "I feel like the devil's guinea pig." You know what, Seth? The devil isn't watching you. He wrote "Butterfly" for you and then he moved on to Nickelback.

Grade:D

-- I think next week is the last week, and we get to see the remaining knuckleheads graduate. I have a certificate that I printed out that says "World's greatest addict," and I'm going to send each of them one.

-- If infantilizing people with undeservedly huge egos is the key to their salvation and sobriety, then Dr. Drew is the Jonas Salk of his time. If that is not the key, he is as bad as his patients.

-- Jessica: "I don't have no money."

-- Jeff: "That's the conundrum that I'm in!"

-- I love it when Jeff calls rehab "the unit."

-- Next week, Dr. Drew gets huffy and Shelley cries.

-- Ricco: "Go fuck yourself; that's how I tell you I love you."